Where am I?

Hi! I haven’t been here in a while (fifteen days, to be exact), and now I’ve only logged in to explain that that may continue. For one thing, my longest stretches of computer time are now at work. I don’t want to visit Livejournal while I’m working, but also I don’t really want to sit down and type anything once I get home. So logistically it’s become more troublesome for me to write in my journal.

The more pressing issue, though, is that I kind of feel like I don’t have so much to say to the world anymore, at least not through my journal. I don’t foresee this being a permanent change, but it’s been the case for the past couple of weeks, and I think it might go on for a while. This journal has always been primarily an outlet for me, as well as a method of communicating with everyone else. But lately, since I’ve been doing Julia Cameron’s morning pages (three pages of longhand writing every day), I haven’t needed this journal to write to or for myself. The crazy thing is there has been so much self-insight and internal decision-making in those pages recently that there’s actually a ton I could write here in this journal, and would like to. Whatever’s on my mind, whatever I’m trying to work through, it happens in the morning pages. But by the time I’ve hashed it out there, I’m too tired to try and make it presentable to put up here.

I guess I could give a quick rundown, though. Here are some samplings from the past two weeks of Morning Pages:

-I had a total epiphany about myself that now shapes the way I think about everything and everyone. I want to put this into a comic so I can share it, but it’s important enough to me that I want to do it properly, so it may not be finished for a long time. It’s also important to me to get it nicely articulated before I make it public, so I haven’t explained it to anyone except Erik, and that probably won’t change until the comic is done.

-I figured out my priorities, and am working hard to reshape my life to reflect those priorities. Number one on the list is sleep, because I’ve long known that when I’m sleep-deprived, everything in my life suffers. However, I’ve also long made a habit of sacrificing sleep first when there are other matters to attend to, so breaking this pattern is proving very very difficult. Realization alone is not sufficient to change years of habit!! (Sadly.)

-Enlightened people always say, and I believe them, that we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else. I’ve decided that this is particularly true when it comes to being part of a couple. I’ve realized that when I don’t take good care of myself and attend to my needs (physical needs being the least of these), I become very neglectful toward Erik, and that’s really unfair to him. So figuring out my life isn’t just good for me, it’s good for us, and good for all my relationships. I first got this idea from Don Miguel Ruiz’s excellent book, The Mastery of Love, which I recommend to everyone (it’s about all relationships, not just romantic ones).

-Trying to sort out my life takes a ton of energy and discipline. Using up that much energy and exerting that much discipline makes me tired. When I get tired, my discipline disappears, and I go from trying to be as present as possible to trying to be as escapist as possible. That’s when I bury myself in computer games. I have yet to find an easy fix for this. Maybe I should try going for walks?

That’s it for now (and maybe for a couple more weeks). Thank you for reading.

[This post was imported on 4/10/14 from my old blog at satsumabug.livejournal.com.]

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One response to “Where am I?

  1. Pingback: A peek into my Morning Pages | satsumabug.com·

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