Pandemic journal: Week 15

Week 15: June 22-28, 2020. Theme of the week: interdependence.

Monday, 8:20 AM

I took a dance video of myself this morning (just for myself, not for social media) and I’m so beautiful, seriously. Last night I was rereading bits of Come As You Are and she wrote that desire depends on context, turning on the ons, and turning off the offs, and I thought, ahhh… that’s what’s happening to me now during SiP. I’m constantly enjoying my body and appreciating my vitality and dancing and wearing only clothes that make me feel utterly delicious and comfortable, and no bra, and I have fewer external stressors. So it’s no wonder I feel fabulously sexy all the time now — except for being so tired. 

Short-haired Asian person in sunglasses and black mask, looking into the camera.

Tuesday, 8:31 AM

I hate everything this morning, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t feel like that when I first woke up more than an hour ago. I’m really sleepy, and my neck and shoulders are tight and aching, and there’s roof work next door so they’re power-sawing 20’ away from me as I write. The only reason I’m not already flipping tables is E’s first meeting got moved back so I get more writing time. 

Thursday, 11:28 PM

I should go to bed, but I’m realizing I’m not really ok tonight. I mean I’m absolutely fine in the pandemic sense, but I’m not really. I’ve spent so much time this week crammed into the happy chair, determinedly drowning my anxiety in games; my shoulders, wrists, and neck are hurting. I miss N&W — I have so many sources of support right now but take away a single one and I really feel it. I haven’t danced since Tuesday and before that, I only did a warmup on Fri. I lent a lot of support to a friend which was very important and good to do, but their problems also activated some of my own insecurities and anxieties. Same with two meetings I had tonight.

I’m lonely, I realize, and anxious. I miss the regular updates from my favorite FB groups, but I’ve felt so much happier and freer for not being on social media! Overall I just feel like I’ve had less and less to give since this all started — which feels reasonable and to be expected, and is something I’ve seen in others, and coincides with taking over as preschool president. It’s just a lot. Everyone is simply hemorrhaging resources and bandwidth, and now that we’re “reopening” but the numbers haven’t changed, it feels like there’s this new divide between people who think everything is ok and people for whom that is terrifying. 

Black Lives Matter flyer on a phone pole

Saturday, 9:30 AM

Every Saturday morning I’m overwhelmed by competing feelings: to write for hours, to go for a long walk while the air is fresh and the streets are empty, to hang out with E & Owl eating some sort of special brunch (which means ordering, or cooking), to sleep in, to noodle around doing whatever the hell I want. I should just pick one, but I never can, so I end up doing an unsatisfying, frustrating bit of each: I lounge, I play games, I talk to E & Owl, I think about what I wish I could eat, I improvise a dance, I cram in a too-short period of writing. 

Posted to FB this morning: 

Pandemic fine : regular fine :: airplane food : regular food 

I think the analogy holds up well: airplane food is survivable but terribly unhealthy and unsustainable, some people are in first class while some people don’t have meals at all. It speaks to what I’ve been thinking this week: that nobody is really doing ok. 

At least E has the week off, so I’ll probably get some breathing room.

French brownie from David Leibovitz's site

Sending loving thoughts to all who are experiencing roommate/housemate/family problems and can’t talk them over with anyone, because the person(s) in question are always within earshot!