Pandemic journal: Day 32

Tuesday, April 14, 7:38 AM

Day 32 of voluntary social distancing, Day 29 of county shelter-in-place, Day 26 of statewide shelter-in-place

Theme of the week: You are here 

I dreamed I was helping save some doomed building/compound/home. The only part I remember is a woman asking me to hold the freezer door closed so the salmon and other creatures didn’t escape before she’d made sure the coast was clear. It was very hard to keep the door shut against all that desperation for escape. I’d lean on it but every now and then some would get out, and I’d redouble the amount of pressure, but figured it was better to let some out than not be able to hold any of them in. Then, when she said it was okay, I opened the freezer door and all these fish and other creatures flew out in every direction. 

I learned something yesterday while I was writing with KK (it was super good to see her): it takes me about 20 minutes to type up a journal entry — just to type it, not even editing beyond a few changes for clarity or emphasis, and deciding to omit or obscure some parts. Twenty minutes! I didn’t imagine it took so long per entry. It’s good to know, because now I have a more realistic idea of what I can get done in an hour or a half-hour, and can block off appropriate increments (and can know, if I decide to stay up doing entry after entry, I’m looking at a bedtime delay of at least an hour!). 

I wrote a note yesterday for our diaper delivery driver, and am going to tie it up with a chocolate bar and leave it out with the pickup later today. I’ve really appreciated the driver who’s been “with” us since Owl was born, but the name on the delivery labels has changed; I’m sure the new person also deserves thanks and chocolate but I wish I’d thought to reach out earlier to the first guy. 

I got confirmation from T about our therapy session tonight; I’m relieved. I intend to ask how she’s doing; I know that’s not the point of therapy but I don’t think I can possibly talk to her about my life until I check in about her! 

I’m still stuck on not having heard much from X. I told AGB I’m considering not texting X so often, so as not to overload her. A said: if I didn’t hear from you or my other regular contacts in a week, I’d wonder what was going on. But A and X have quite different communication styles; A and I always have open convos in several apps at once (email, Messenger, IG DM, text, Hangouts, “public” social media)! Part of my anguish is not really knowing that I am part of X’s routine; I don’t know where I fit in for her, and maybe that’s one of the tricky things about adult friendships (especially after kids). 

Owl is doing a connect-the-dots puzzle that requires them to count above 100 and they’re absolutely thrilled by their prowess. It’s cute. It’s also very loud. 

Ugh, there was something I was going to say but since Owl was asking me how to spell “hint” it’s completely left my mind. Damnit. It feels like it was important, too. I’m not even getting in one full line before I get interrupted yet again. It’s incredibly frustrating. 

Oh! I remember! There’s a kind of leveling-off I feel in the atmosphere — at least for those of us who aren’t immediately impacted. I felt it in my co-counseling call with R which had (for us both) lost a lot of the raw agitation and fear of last week, I felt it in the preschool social, I’ve felt it in the tone of people’s FB posts, I even feel it in the news headlines, which don’t seem to strike quite the same place as they did before; I don’t feel the same immediate sense of impending death and crisis. Yesterday both the Western coastal states and 6 Atlantic states announced pacts to basically take care of ourselves in the notable absence of federal response. On some level that’s terrifying, but it also feels inevitable and welcome and necessary. 

(I wrote all of that on headphones, setting 10 minutes on Forest and telling Owl I have an important thing to write that I have to concentrate for, and I cannot talk to them until I’m done. Of course I had to break my focus to communicate this, and also reinforce it a couple of times, but it did mean I got to write all of the above relatively uninterrupted!)

Sending loving thoughts to those whose work is in supporting others.