Pandemic journal: Day 24

Monday, April 6, 7:52 AM

Day 24 of voluntary social distancing, Day 21 of mandatory shelter-in-place, Day 18 of statewide shelter-in-place

Theme of the week: pleasure 

I have about 45 min till E has to start work. This is the first morning in a few days that I’ve felt able to dance, so I did 2 songs on FB Live, carefully, and that was exhilarating when just yesterday it didn’t feel possible at all. But of course I’m still vulnerable; this is my body healing, but the underlying injury is still there. But I am so, so relieved that movement isn’t off-limits to me completely. 

There are old friends I haven’t even reached out to… but also old friends who haven’t reached out to me. It brings up that old lonely feeling, that I’m always the one who wants to hold people close, and I shouldn’t expect anyone to feel the same about me. But damnit, I WANT to have expectations of my friends! It’s a difference of style, though, as well as logistics; I want hours-long deep conversations and I want them with all the friends I hold dearest… and not everybody is into that, or has time for it. It’s a hunger to know other people and know more of the world, which is why it isn’t quite the same with E; not that there’s nothing he has left to share with me, but after 20 years it’s a lot harder to bring those places to the surface.

Is it fair to expect things of my friends, at a time like this?

BTW, yesterday and Saturday I felt like Owl was especially loud and annoying. Then in the evening I realized it’s probably just that my back was bothering me so much that it lowered my threshold for tolerating everything else. And that’s a thought I would likely not even have come to if I hadn’t been reading The Highly Sensitive Parent.

We had a family movie night yesterday, that we started so late E didn’t even want to do it because we wouldn’t be able to get through the whole movie. But I insisted because I was really looking forward to it, and Owl had been excited too. I wanted to have something cozy and different and novel to look forward to at the end of the day, and I wanted to try making popcorn on the stovetop! That came out great and it was fun, too, and quick. Totoro was as sweet and magical as ever, and also relevant as the dad stays cheerful even though his partner is away and ill. 

Sending loving thoughts to all highly sensitive people.