The way the IWL workshop operates is that we have four instructors during the course of the eight weeks, but each instructor only comes in for two weeks. So, last Saturday being the third week, we had our first meeting with our second instructor, Erika Lopez. You could describe Erika as beautifully raw, open, honest, and real. She pushed us beyond our usual limits and some people really absorbed that and grew from it. You could also describe her as relentlessly confrontational, which was the experience that other people had of her. It was an intense three hours for all of us, maybe Erika included, and we all came out of it with emotions running high. Afterward a good number of us went out for lunch, and later that day an email exchange began that continued through last night (and maybe today — it’s early yet!).
I did find the workshop meeting challenging, but for me, dealing with the aftermath (the email discussion, and my responses to it) has been harder. It’s been comforting in that I’ve been able to express my thoughts at length and at my leisure, but it’s also been acutely uncomfortable because instead of sitting at the table with a group I trust, getting message after message in my inbox forces me to deal with them without cues of body language or facial expression to tell me how everyone else is feeling. It appears I’m much more comfortable dealing with complicated situations as one member of a group, rather than as me standing on my own.
Last night I was reading the emails and feeling really disturbed, when I remembered something I’d read in a book by Pema Chödrön. She wrote that the most unpleasant people we meet, the ones who anger or scare or annoy us the most, are actually our greatest spiritual teachers. (I also found a lovely four-minute video of her talking about this concept.) When I remembered this, the idea just dropped through all my emotions and cleared enough space in them for me to step back and consider. If I look at this entire experience — not just Erika or any classmate — as a spiritual teacher, what do I take away from it?
Well, first there are the basics. I don’t like being emotionally uncomfortable, I don’t like being on my own without explicit backing from others, I don’t like feeling like others are making assumptions about me or dictating terms of exchange. I imagine these are pretty much universal reactions to difficult situations. Then there are the feelings that are more individual; while they’re probably still quite common, they are definitely hot buttons for me and I can trace their “hotness” back to early experiences with others.
First: I don’t like it when I feel like people are being mean, unnecessarily blunt, or insensitive to others’ feelings. There is an altruistic component to this, but there’s also a selfish one. On the selfish side, I feel like I spend a lot of time/energy being nice, tactful, and sensitive to others’ feelings. So I get resentful when I think that others aren’t troubling to go to the same effort. But I don’t always recognize that I’m having this reaction, because there’s also the altruistic side. I have often felt like the trodden-upon one in an exchange, and I (a) hate it, and (b) hate to see others feeling that way. So when I think someone is being insensitive or belligerent, I think, “Hey! Stop hurting others!” without realizing that there’s also a defensive undertone of “If I bother to treat others sensitively, you should too.”
Second, and this is related: I feel protective of others. During one heated in-class exchange, in which some people intervened to stop what they perceived as bullying behavior, Erika told those individuals not to “protect” others. In that exchange and in the later emails, I recognized that yes, feelings of protectiveness are very strongly encoded in my interactions with others. I don’t believe this impulse (or the impulse toward sensitivity) should go away, either in me or in humanity as a whole. But I do believe Erika has a point about protectiveness. When we feel responsible for sparing others, we take on a willingness to self-sacrifice, and that’s not always useful or even called for.
In feeling protective and wanting to be sensitive to others, I see that I like to smooth out difficult situations and make everything seem nice. I do not think that I do this because I want to cover up what’s dark or messy; I don’t want to sweep anything under the rug. I do it because life is dark and messy, and I don’t think we should have to live there all the time. I think Erika, and maybe some of my classmates, would disagree and push me to try to live there. Probably it’s true that when I think I have a choice to not live there, I’m choosing an illusion. But I still think it’s possible to be dark and messy without using language that gets people’s backs up.
I realize now that I thought I embraced chaos and the grey areas of life, but even in my embrace of them I’ve wanted them still packaged up, presented nicely and in small doses. Of course life isn’t like that, but that’s precisely why it’s important to me to hang on to the nice packaging and presentation. I think it’s a valid attitude, but before this weekend I had never articulated that this was my attitude and that I feel strongly about it.
Third: I like to form bonds with people, which is another way of saying I want to like people and I want them to like me. Unlike the previous two tendencies, this is one I’ve been aware of from the beginning, and I’ve tried to check it because I realize it’s only a short hop from “we understand each other” to “it’s us against them.” I’ve tried hard not to mentally break our group into “allies” and “people to watch out for.” And I think I’ve succeeded much better here than I have with the other two impulses, not because I’m more evolved in this, but because I really do have so much love, respect, and admiration for everyone in the group.
Fourth, and again this is related to third: I still do feel very scared and, indeed, ashamed to have people disagree with me. This comes from growing up in environments where I felt that disagreement meant criticism meant attack. There are still times, when Erik and I are having a disagreement, when he has to tell me explicitly, “This is not me attacking you” or “I don’t think you’re stupid.” While on some level I recognize that people can disagree and still be friends, underneath that recognition there is still a perplexed child saying, “I don’t understand how that works. I don’t understand what the grownups are doing. Maybe I’d better just go play by myself in the other room.” The weekend email discussion happened simultaneously with a wave of Facebook friending and activity there, and that makes my shocked inner child feel like she’s living in bizarro world: how can the group be using terms of endearment on Facebook, when they are also sending “mean” emails that say “I don’t like you anymore” (this being of course the child’s interpretation)? I really have been surprised to find my classmates sharing and praising my chicken story on FB simultaneously with the emails, because each time I’ve gotten an email there really has been a part of me that thinks, “Okay, this person doesn’t like me anymore.”
Fifth: I value and seek out escape/retreat/sanctuary. I have thought of myself as someone who can leave her comfort zone, but until this weekend I never realized that the comfort zone is made up of both subject and method. I’m okay with uncomfortable subjects, but I always deal with them the same way: single or limited exposure, followed by heavy processing through thinking, talking, and writing. This is why I would have been more okay with Saturday’s workshop if it had not been followed by emails; I would have gone home and done my usual processing, and I wouldn’t have felt more than a little uncomfortable. But having an ongoing dialogue, being exposed to repeated emotional turmoil and not being able to escape from it, has been highly outside my method comfort zone.
When I say that I can’t escape from the emails, probably what that means is I can’t escape from myself: from the complicatedness of all the thoughts and emotions they bring up, that I don’t always understand and certainly can’t control. But, at the same time, I haven’t exactly sought to escape from the emails. I could have gmail-filtered them all to go directly to archive so I wouldn’t have to look at them. Instead, I’ve been very active in the discussion. It’s made my body quake, it’s made me feel acutely unhappy and anxious each time I’ve replied to a message, but I’ve done it nevertheless. I think it’s really good that I make this effort. But there’s so much anxiety! I’ll think I’ve said the wrong thing, I’ve said too much — basically it comes back to being afraid no one will like me anymore. So the emails have really shoved me back and forth between feeling strong and proud of myself (“I spoke up when I was scared”) and feeling horribly afraid and vulnerable (“no one likes me anymore, I’ve ruined things for others”). When I seek escape, this is what I want escape from; I want to get away from the violent seesawing of my own responses.
If our first meeting with Jaime was focused on mapping our creative DNA, I’m now seeing that our first meeting with Erika was an opportunity to locate our emotional-relational DNA. I’m still feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing, but at least I’m able now to see it as a teaching, and feel grateful for it as such. I wouldn’t say I like it, but I don’t think we get many opportunities to experience so much emotional discomfort within such a safe space (“safe” given that emotional discomfort is the opposite of feeling safe) and such a brief time period (after this Saturday we’ll have a different teacher). So, right now, I’m feeling okay.
satsumabug.com | Lisa Hsia 
Maybe Erika is trying to show you how liberating it can be to NOT try to get everyone to like you all the time. When you try to please everyone, you please no one. Sort of like the way that mass market clothing is cut for the Average Jane, and none of us are Average Janes. One company has to go out of its way to declare, we’re making clothing for women who have these specific and very real curves, and if you’re Twiggy, you are not our customer. There’s a sort of liberation in letting go of needing to please everyone. Perhaps the agitation comes from the intimate group you are in, and wanting a “safe” place to work through raw issues. And if someone is spikey, or sending out vibes that “they don’t like you” it can be harder to share, to open, to commune fully.
Some of the smallest groups I’ve been a part of have contained individuals who i do not “like” but they are part of the mix, and every single group I’m in will have that “character.” It’s nice that everyone is still resonating positively in one sphere, and opening up to real dialogue in another (sad, or ironic?, that this “real” dialogue cannot be on FB). You probably have the makings for some true friends in this group, even though you don’t see that yet. The sharing the real thoughts builds respect and trust even if those thoughts aren’t “on the same page.”
To wit: one of my colleagues ALWAYS plays devil’s advocate. He used to prod me and poke me and push me to constantly examine my declarations in class, in my writing, and in my presentations. He never let up! But then i noticed that he did this to himself too. And then i noticed that he actually pushed me to be a better thinker because he was constantly spinning things around trying to look at all angles. What was totally hard to take at first (he doesn’t like my idea, he’s being mean, he’s being too critical) actually became his golden gift. And I now respect him infinitely for it. And I also enjoy when he does it to himself. It was never personal, and it had nothing to do with his evaluation of me as a person. If anything, his attitude showed that he cared a great deal about me because he took the time to engage with my ideas and show me where i could improve, even if i saw his efforts as an attack at first.
You’re so brave for not sending those emails straight to Archive. There’s still something for you here. You’re ready to receive this prodding from Erika and the group, you just might not want to admit it to yourself fully. This blog post shows that. Your anxiety is the anxiety of new growth. Think of how a budding leaf must feel as it unfolds from the stalk of the plant. A little cold, and little scared to fill this new space, but it’s going for it, and it’ll find the sun and warm up.
I am so amazed and inspired by your honesty Lisa. And your self reflection, not everyone is so self aware and so sensitive of others and that is someting to be commended.
I am a long time people pleaser (and was the child mediator of my family). I too struggle with these same issues. How brave you are to open up and put yourself out there even though it is anxiety inducing and uncomfortable. Like you said, this is a growing experience and will be worth it in the end and sometimes these situations can be life changing. My first year at VONA was like that, uncomfortable, but it forced me to look at myself deeper and I needed it. In 2010, I had the best time of my life at VONA.
Thanks for putting everything out there in this post. You are a brave writer.
JEM
this is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! Made my goose pimples go crazy! Thank you for this! Yes YEs~
I had to read again…the goose pimples happened again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally enjoyed reading this. You are a great writer by the way…. But I digress. The need or desire to want to protect each other/others is what makes us humane. It’s what separates the sensitive and empathic from the those who couldn’t care less about other peoples feelings. I’m a lot like you and I’m proud of it. I think we should all take a moment to consider others before we speak or act.
I’m glad you’re feeling okay now. I know that I feel very off kilter when I hear pronouncements like, ‘don’t protect others’. Saying something like that, without an explanation specific to the situation, goes against the best in human nature. How do we care about issues in the world and feel the desire to do something about them, without our protective instincts kicking in? The feelings that you’ve written about here, are so raw that I found myself shutting down a little — only because my life in the 2000’s has been so intensely full of my own similar feelings, and similar reactions from others. I’m glad that you were able to get these feelings out this weekend, and work on them. The inner process you describe here sounds so useful; my own process is much more purely emotional (of the curling up in the fetal position variety.)
Somehow (and I know that, good or bad, I often seem to fixate on different things than others do) I don’t quite understand what the differences are between what the friends said on Facebook, and what they got into in the emails, except that it was very unpleasant for you. I know that I hate the feeling that people may dislike me under their surface, despite the fact that I want to be a basically nice person, and I want (and want to give) honesty couched in the acknowledgement that we all have a point of view and valid feelings that shouldn’t be ignored. Yet, I always feel violated when the opposite happens, as if they can’t see me at all. I’ve learned that some people, for many reasons — some purely physical, actually can’t see other people for who they are. Or appreciate their true strengths. And unfortunately I have to be okay with that happening. That’s the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn, and keep on relearning, day after day.
Thanks for sharing this part of IWL workshop, Lisa. Part of me feels like I’m going through something, too. Because this is happening to my friend.
While I was reading your piece, I felt impressed by how you were using the writing process to think things through. It’s not often that I get to see someone’s thoughts unfolding in front of my eyes and I found it quite inspiring. I got the sense that by putting them “on paper” you were seeing things and understanding them a new way.
I also really liked what you said about the most annoying/turn-off people being the ones who have something to teach us (excuse me if I’m paraphrasing). I think that can be true– some of my best friends, even my husband, were people I didn’t immediately gravitate towards– but I also reserve the right to think that what those people might teach me is that they are ultimately not worth believing in and that I should trust myself.
Thank you for bringing me along on this thought process!
I like your attitude about the short duration of the discomfort, in the long scheme, and how it can be a good growing experience. We are stronger than we think, I believe, and walking into the fire without trying to make it easier for ourselves reveals this inner strength.
I think I would have felt similarly in this situation. It can feel almost like violation when a newcomer to a cherished group brings a strong personality and an agenda, no matter how valid they may be. So let me echo the sentiments of your other readers in that I appreciate your openness and willingness to think through life.
most times we “protect” others to assuage our own feelings of terror. we don’t let the other person “ASCEND” to their own power to stand up for his or herself. we take away their moment to step up to who they are. we steal that from them for our own comfort.
it is human to act instinctually. it is an art or a craft when you learn to see beyond what everyone ELSE sees, and to see further and beyond and all the ramifications and consequences of what we THINK is kindness.
i prefer to be taught how to manage and direct my passionate feelings that used to flail helplessly, with no focus.
the class tried to ride on the courageous student’s tail. they ended up trying to dilute her direct confrontation with me, when she had it very much under control.
that student who had the confrontation with me is the one with the most courage, and she is the most vulnerable to being “ridden” and “used” by others too afraid of their own ability to stand up for themselves.
until we know ourselves and our darkest triggers, we can not hope to know or understand others. we will “approximate” based on hackneyed stereotypes from things we’ve seen or “assumed” in the media.
it takes the courageous few to stand up and admit when they are terrified and they don’t know why or how yet.
the faster you can truly “feel” injustice or oppression in your gut, the sooner you can put a stop to it. before genocides and holocausts. because when you have the attention span to look beyond the seemingly “appropriate” words that are said, the more you can do your part to call out unfairness.
i want a world where people are not taught to behave according to one bandwidth of possibility. i want a world that tolerates difference and asks about what it doesn’t understand, and WAITS FOR THE ANSWER… no matter how uncomfortable or frustrating.
i want to teach how to LOVE as a “verb.” not passively. love is tedious, tiring, exhausting.
and yes, i’m STILL exhausted from saturday. i save up for such emotions so that i can give my full ATTENTION.
you can carry this feeling of spontaneity and spark with you simply by being yourself and saying what you feel or think, instead of what’s “expected.”
THAT is truer terror than screaming down the street with a machete.
to simply stand still and lose facebook “friends” and risk being misunderstood or not liked because you don’t use everyone else’s words or share the same feeling.
that is political action where we each should be allowed to exist simply because we are here and alive.
that is the kind of country i want to fight for. that is honoring my ancestors, myself, and the ones in the future. i test MY love. it has to cover all three.
i am not alive for the needlepoint writers. i am not the kind of american who thinks i get to be read simply because i exist. i think that i have to say and do something worthy of actually READING. because none of us have attention spans left.
so i write the things i would say if i had 3 minutes left on earth.
thank you for not wasting the pain or inspiration. that’s all i ask. i am not here to be “liked.” of course it’s NICE. but it’s lazy in a world where people who can’t speak for themselves, and don’t have the privilege, are getting crushed.
we have to write as an example of our humanity, power, and ability to imagine and see and re-write, revise, better futures for all of us. and we can’t know or HEAR each other until we know and hear ourselves.
behind everything dark and sleazy is something sweet, curled up, and afraid.
at the center of everything, nothing is inherently evil or bad. only terror and fear.
our job is to sidle up to that as artists, thinkers, writers. show people a new way. art has gotten soft.
we must use our differing cultures to discover new ways forward. that is what this country is about. experiments that have never been done.
we are history. it’s still happening. we have to step up. direct. with LOVE as a verb.
“comfort” is for the dead.
good luck. see those who’re ready for souls and blood and guts on saturday.
we will talk, but i want to hear dreams. you can revise all your life, and even pass the dreams on, no matter how tattered or revised or borrowed and shared.
thank you to those who dare to feel. we only had 2 weekends. i can talk until the cows go elsewhere, but you will remember a feeling forever.
i only need and want james to like me. twitter and facebook “friends” are the devil you must fight against! it’s an opportunity—when you “lose” friends, you’re doing something scary and daring.
and that can only be “right.”
it’s good for us to rebel against ourselves, too. our own stories.
bring comfortable cushions. i’m sitting on the floor. no more tables separating us. we stand and own our dreams with our full bodies now.
see you all saturday!
and good writing, here.
thanks for not boring me. discovery is messy and fascinating. politeness can be passive and enervating.
FEEL the difference! that’s what i am here to show you. take the time to look into eyes and trust your intuition. return to the good stuff society writes off.
the student who looked into my eyes knows more about me than those who’ve known me a decade. THAT is courage. i can work with that.
let her learn and step up to herself. do not dilute and try and ride on her experience. have your own. she earned it. she knew she was safe.
only help when you’re asked. otherwise you’re actually insinuating that they’re too weak to handle it, and they need you. without you they’d be nothing.
see how we so cleverly can twist things back to ourselves? not quite as “loving” as we think, when we see the truth of it.
she was the strongest and most focused of everyone. just because she didn’t YET have the words for what was happening, she WILL. they follow the FEELING and awareness. that’s her power. her lesson. don’t try and take it from her. it’s hers. earn your own moments.
and i almost left because i will not allow anyone to gang up on me. i partake in my fate, and will not partake in my being vilified anymore, when i act only out of love.
you will have to do that without me as i will excuse myself if anyone tries to bully me.
i want to help the passionate souls focus and feel and find the space to come up on their own epiphanies in their own time. i want to make us stronger and step up for ourselves so that we may step up for others should they need it.
we need to learn how to change our own tires if we’re going to toddle out on adventures at 3am on a whim.
i don’t want us all to “behave.” i want us to be bigger, more beautiful, expansive visions of ourselves.
to be ourselves is the most generous act. sharing insights, like this writing above… THAT is love. that is writing from the old days and into the future. it is analog and will last and resonate for all time.
it’s the best of herself. THAT is what i want and demand…. and GIVE.
x
Hello, my name is Ré.
I don’t pretend to know you or understand you simply from this one piece of writing (and, of course, you know that I am going to say ‘but’ soon…) From my heart, I assure you that it isn’t going to be a callous or unfeeling ‘but’, or one that comes from a knee jerk reaction. I love my friend, but I don’t blindly agree with anyone. I try hard to live in truth, and come from that place. I have been known to say things that no one seems to “get” and I’m tired of it, saddened by it, and energized by it, because I care about this life, the people in it, the earth in it, and the art in it. I can feel that I’m as passionate about my art as you are about yours, but…
You were contradictory in what you said here. Specifically, I didn’t see an acknowledgement of the fact that feeling “injustice or oppression in your gut” (as you say we should) and wanting “to put a stop to it” go hand-in-hand with each other, and also go hand-in-hand with loving “as a verb” and trusting one’s intuition. Often it’s the “politeness” that you say “can be passive and enervating” that helps us to get our specific points across to others. Politeness that is not passive and enervating, serves society in terms of communication — our ability to have our thoughts, our desires, our abilities, our strengths understood more clearly.
Just as it would be very wrong for someone to think that you are simply cold and unfeeling in regard to the emotions of others or that you are a hothead who shouldn’t be taken seriously, it is also very wrong for you to dismiss or mischaracterize the true emotions of others or question their intent, simply because you don’t understand them. I generally prefer to ask questions than to assume how others feel. I think that for teachers, even for passionate teachers, asking questions and listening to the answers is a particularly important and useful skill to develop, in order to understand your students and increase your ability to reach them, teach them.
I thank you for adding your viewpoint to this discussion, and giving us the chance to understand your thoughts a little better.
Ré, thanks for introducing your real self.
i love etiquette. they are rules of engagement that keep our animalistic, shredding natures in check.
yes, people often assume i’m contradicting myself and that i shouldn’t!
to be alive is a contradiction, and you must find your own way in that reality.
to protect can foster, but it can kill. life is full of contradictions.
i’ll answer you this way. i can’t give you an “answer”, only some insight of my own that may or may not help or fit. life is a lot of remembering what you already “know” for yourself.
so:
we are all arguing over “FEELINGS” and “SAFETY.”
i argue that if you want to feel “safe” and safety means an isolation tank of an emotional experience in life, then you shouldn’t even be infiltrating discussions or groups of artists.
TO BE AN ARTIST, THINKER, WRITER OR HUMAN BEING WORTH ANYTHING BEYOND A BAG OF MEAT THAT EATS AND CRAPS, IS TO OFFER UP YOUR SOUL TO BE GANG RAPED BY LIFE.
i want art from no one lesser.
if you want to knit and chat, then go to a knitting circle.
to write as a colored woman, is to be starting from a place of assumed irrelevance. you must fight to be HEARD and even MATTER in this society.
so i gave erika with the rolled “r”s a safe place to feel her intensity and channel it for good. i wouldn’t even let cynthia “protect me” and dilute erika’s moment.
but while i live by emotions, i cannot be an artist and get anything done by INDULGING THEM ON A WHIM. they have their place.
and erika was uncomfortable with the question of the class:
what are your dreams and how do you see your work being relevant to that dream?
erika was uncomfortable and hijacked the class to avoid answering the question because the answer apparently terrified her.
and i kept her focused and moved on when erika was unable to participate. i offered to talk to her 5 yrs in the FUTURE if she ever wanted to know why/how i focused her.
but one person’s anger at me wasn’t left at that. she went out of the safety of “one-on-one” and used an institution to hijack the class.
that’s a dangerous response to emotional discomfort.
don’t watch me. i’m not a poster child for some “teacher.”
i teach by living, being, in alignment with my beliefs and my art.
i don’t always go for some “higher road” because the art isn’t always there. i follow the art. the art and love and integrity.
i can’t defend myself on the finer points of my behaviour, because i won’t win there with “regular people.” i never have. that’s why i seem a little insane. because i’ve lived my life being shut down and penalized especially when i act in love.
being misunderstood constantly, and assumed to be evil, gets wearying. someone else wrote that here, and that is really true.
it’s why i try to inspire the ones who come next. we seem like little pit bulls, but we’re the first to die or clock out because the pain is so unbearable.
yesterday i was an emotional mess. i was raised fighting to exist. i know good old fashioned sadism and political silencing when i see it.
all i can say is: ignore me. pay attention to what FEELS like life vs. death. we artists are so comfortable carrying Death around all the time, we’re SUPPOSED to be the ones also carrying sparks of Life around.
ignore me. find your OWN way of dealing. you won’t always hit the mark, but that’s what art and craft is about: learning how to be relevant, incisive.
i’m far from perfect. i just give a damn.
and i can’t explain all the nuances of your misunderstandings. i want YOU to ask for yourself. use the inspiration for your lessons. don’t ask anyone to explain anything to you, except themselves. that’s when we get into trouble!
so i don’t defend myself. i say “what does this bring up for you?” what does it MEAN? passivity breeds exhaustion.
life and “yes” and positivity and growth begets ENERGY. go toward what enables you to make it where you want to go, because money isn’t it.
that’s all i’m saying. you have to ask the difficult questions yourself and find your own contradictions! that’s what makes falling in love and re-discovering YOURSELF fascinating.
i surprised myself even here. i have been sobbing and angry and sad and heartbroken, but i am strong, angry, and i see many inspired by these discussions, so i’m hopeful that long after i’m dead, i’ll have done my part to support others toddling out there with big hearts.
i am teaching you all not to fear your emotions because if you do, you will not hold up and be resilient when life gets REALLY hard. and i don’t want anymore suicides of dear hearts.
emotions are good and you don’t have to be controlled by them, and those who seek to control yours!
so i can’t answer too much more. i have to take the day off and recommit myself to whatever’s happening now in my life.
emotions take a lot of down time and protection from vampires! it’s essential you test your friends for battle and stamina.
Erika Cespedes-Kent shouldn’t have infiltrated a group of artists. that’s like inviting the FBI into the Black Panthers.
artists and women and we all need to protect our own safe spaces. because life is terrifying. and art shouldn’t be on lock down. that’s propaganda.
so i can’t answer you. i can only say look at YOURSELF and who you want to become. don’t look to others to be your superheroes. they’ll let you down.
i’m being my own superhero now, the woman i’d want to be. it’s got nothing to do with anyone else.
-erika
..also, Ré–
ettiquete vs. politeness?
of course they can, and are often, the same thing.
but it is a breach of civility to me, to have 4 or 5 other students stand up and yell at me when i’m talking to one student intensely.
i love interrupting in a lively conversation, but it’s rude to me when someone’s in the middle of something.
i’m not sure what constitutes the details. but i know rudeness and civility when i see it. the reason i try to show people their true feelings and responses to what’s going on in the moment, is because:
PEOPLE IN POWER USE OUR LOVE OF MANNERS/POLITENESS AGAINST US. as long as we’re cooed by the tone of their voice, we often don’t hear what’s actually being SAID.
that’s why Evil is everywhere and constant. because it’s in us, and it’s in ourselves, our friends…it’s in our Fear and lives among us daily.
it’s not polite to ignore it because it soon takes over and our humanity is out of balance in the service of a murderous politeness.
it’s dangerous when we forget what being dehumanized feels like.
it’s in our need for facebook and twitter followers or we feel terror.
LISA SAID IT ALL.
we’re all complicit. Erika is only “evil” when we allow her to be unchecked. she is human and afraid.
e
Ré–
i realized that you think “manners” or “politeness” means “sacrifice,” “misery,” and “suffering” for The Good of Mankind.
that’s absurd! it is the height of manners and politeness to want others to love themselves, each other, and be happy, and do nothing that causes misery. Discipline is also not “misery,” as it’s been mistaken for lately.
and for the good of “many” usually involves the happiness of none. we need to learn to allow each other to co-exist, fully as we are. not faked, or attenuated.
anyone who seeks to oppress you doesn’t love you as a verb. be around people who love you as you are and encourage you to be your best.
then it’s like you’re in love all the time.
–erika
No, that’s not what I said or what I meant. And I never have or ever would believe that my oppressor could love me as a verb.
I don’t believe in taking away or impeding anyone’s freedom to grow and develop. I believe in keeping my grip to myself, but standing where the people I care about, or who need me in some capacity, can see me and reach me if they want to. I believe in being available to communicate and to listen.
What I was trying to say was that there’s a difference between communication and expression. No one should ever have their right to expression denied (excepting, of course, the places where their expression stops someone else’s — like kidnapping or murder.) Communication is different because there the point is to be understood. I think it is communication that can be greatly assisted by basic manners and politeness.
Ré
we are talking about different things and i find nothing in what you say sparks me to respond.
–erika
well, i got fired.
so much for erika cespedes having the guts i thought i saw. well, she had the guts to kill the class for everyone.
now, class …this is what marquis de sade was trying to teach us about the “morally good” clamping down on anything they find uncomfortable.
see what i mean about inspiration and lessons EVERYWHERE? stories abound you all.
be well and bless you all. remember how you FEEL inside. don’t listen to the words. sometimes you need to feel to see what is REALLY and TRULY happening.
–erika LOPEZ …the other erika…
and erika cespedes…i will no longer roll your “r”s for you, as you’d asked. you didn’t allow others to learn and feel. you didn’t step up to your terrors. you were so close… the good stuff was there. and yet you felt small and constricted and acted out of fear instead of the love of others.
to love is to sacrifice and learn sometimes.
and dear Satsumaart, thank you for trying and giving. i dare you to keep this up. feel the jittery feelings of fear. this is what it is to have power to publish and be heard. squelch at your own peril…
feel the excitement. and if it feels wrong, then delete. what kind of world do you want to live in? we must be transparent and own what we do. the actions. and the consequences.
i’ve gotten fired. those are the consequences of being me.
where will you all take this for yourselves, in your life? they can imprison you, but be free. continue on with the lessons, regardless of who seeks to constrict you out of fear. forgive her, forgive everyone and move forward…
much affection to you all—
–erika lopez
Erika, while I appreciate that you’ve got a strong sense of yourself, your lashing out here at the person who expressed her discomfort (and cost you the assignment) indicates to me that you’re acting out of aggression, not compassion.
As a teacher you had a responsibility to give students an honest look at themselves — not to coddle them, but not to assault them. Those who patronize and berate are not teachers: they are enablers, cult founders, kingpins or bullies.
“foldedflat” use your real name. i don’t talk to those who hide behind cartoons.
“lashing out”? that is what i am here on this earth for! and i call rebeka out, and i call erika with the pretentiously-rolled “r”s out… that’s what i’m TEACHING! that we are each to be held accountable for our actions.
when writing, pointing at, or my responding to a “vague” concept of an actual human being with no full frontal nudity, i want flesh, bones, SOUL. own your fear. don’t cost others their growth.
selfishness rules too much these days.
my name is erika lopez. who are you, faceless alias one? why should i trust you? you put no face to your words!
you OWN NOTHING! and i own mine. i call you out. that is what i do, and that is what we puerto rican girls do better than anyone. i’ve found the holy side to the low expectations so many of you faceless ones have had for me for years.
my name is erika lopez and i love strength, beauty, growth. i do not cater to weak, miserly erikas with pretentiously rolled rs. she is now in my work forever.
she wanted to be noticed? she will be immortal. that is lashing out. that is what i do best. read my books. my life is my art. there is no disconnect.
i am alive.
your serve, faceless one.
but next picture, i want your tits. go deeper. i just did.
–el
There is no place for cruelty and vitriol in a teacher’s vocabulary. They are tools of weakness, darkness and ignorance. The great educators through time agree on this.
Where a teacher challenges, you taunt. Where a teacher sees through defenses and speaks past them, you see through defenses and stab through them. Your words are vicious and petty, and thus you are no teacher.
That’s okay; I don’t belong in that position either. I accept your passion. But I see you posturing, thinking you’re leading, when you’re just fighting to be alpha dog. This is a mistake; own your desire to dominate and stop shrouding it in false nobility.
I would be happy to discuss this with you at length in person, if you’re able to come to Chicago, where I’m based. We could meet at Union Station over coffee on a weekend sometime. Please feel free to email me and we can set up a time.
Lisa, this last comment appeared after I hit “post comment” on my last one. I don’t quite understand it — the firing, her reference to you, etc., but I know that you will write about whatever it is that happened when you are ready to. Peace and much love to you, my friend.
…and further, i also “teach” the rewards or indulgences given to us by people like Erika Cespedes-Kent, when they are cruel. this is advanced learning, the marquis de sade and the sadomasochism of being alive and as an artist. the act of being aroused by our torture is as defiant as it gets.
i’m not hurt by Erika Cespedes-Kent in the long run. she has given us all inspiration and a lesson. she is the world we have now. i have myself. there are many of Erika Cespedes-Kents, in different disguises.
the learning is that we act out of love, but when faced with the archetypal caricatures they give to us, they’ve given us inspiration. it is now a gift that i have Erika Cespedes-Kent to use as an example of the benign nature of Evil among us.
because forget about me… what about who’s next? what if she’s hurt again? teachers afraid to tell the truth because their economic livelihood depends on Erika Cespedes-Kents.
not in my world.
–erika lopez
…and shame on you faceless one, for coddling. especially colored people. i will not be a party to creating bonemeal for your roses. step n’ fetchit NO MORE.
e
…and Erika…we’re just beginning. you wanted my attention? you wanted drama? you and i both know you’re a pro at this and have been doing it for awhile. i know you. i did it, too. use your drama for good.
but in the meantime, you’re mine, now. i’m a published author and cartoonist. i know the limits of libel. as long as i use the truth, it’s okay.
anyone googles your name, and they’ll have a heads up that could save you blaming and suing them later.
i’ve been around. i’ve seen people like you before. you wanna play? you picked the girl who can have fun with a gal like you. you’re legal age.
let the games begin, my little cartoon character.
and to the rest of you, i’m not a teacher. i’m an artist first.
remember i said: waste no inspiration. use everything.
e
Hello,
I’m not someone who was present for these workshops, I’m just someone who has been introduced to the aftershocks, so I didn’t think I’d have anything of value to contribute to the conversation.
On reading the above blog post, though, one phrase jumped out at me above all the rest: “ ‘safe’ given that emotional discomfort is the opposite of feeling safe,” and I just wanted to share with the author, who is clearly coming from a very personal, very emotionally raw place, a different perspective:
Being able to experience emotional discomfort can be an indication OF feeling safe.
Being comfortable enough to trust that the people around you are going to respect your feelings- respect in the sense of allowing them to be real and valid, not necessarily agreeing with them- can give you a feeling of an emotionally safe place, whether that means a place to express love, a place to truly allow yourself to feel joy without caveats, or just a place to get into a big ol’ argument over something you feel passionately about, because you don’t feel you’ll be ostracized or punished for it later.
As someone who can tend to be more emotionally closed off when uncomfortable than is necessarily warranted, if I’m feeling “unsafe” I’m not going to share my deepest feelings with anyone, good or bad. (Not saying I’m proud of that, but right now, it is what it is.) This means that the only time I will fully open up, whether or not that means in what could be construed as a “confrontational” way* by someone outside the situation, is when I feel safe.
Finding myself in a situation where I’d felt safe enough to be open and wild and messy, then finding out those emotions and words and actions weren’t considered “valid,” that they weren’t being received the way I’d thought – that my “safe place” wasn’t actually safe, but another place I was “supposed” to have put up more walls- has been one of the few truly crushing experiences of my life, and still makes it hard to fight against putting up more walls, blocking people out unfairly, and being unnecessarily cynical and suspicious of people.
These are just my experiences, but somehow the situation here resonated with me in a way that brought them to mind, and wanted to share this perspective with you.
* “Confrontational” is often used pejoratively, to mean rude, pushy, unpleasant…
In reality, the word “confront” doesn’t denote any of this things, it just means to face something directly- and often, facing something directly is the only way to get over/ move past/ work around/ learn from a situation.
Being afraid to confront things directly can lead to a lot of “well I just hope if I ignore that long enough, it’ll go away” – and that tends to lead to a lot more nasty consequences than would a confrontation (not an “attack,” just: being unafraid to face something directly and honestly).
I understand what you’re saying here, and I think it definitely adds to the conversation.
To add to just one of your points– actually “hostile and argumentative” are words commonly used in the definition of the word confront and its derivatives. At least in most of the definitions I found. That’s why its thought of as unpleasant.
Wow… you made Sofia Quintero’s blog… http://paper.li/sofiaquintero
cynthia, you were right. this is Big.
and i’m gonna make sure that erika with the rolled “r”s girl doesn’t kill anymore anything with My People.
THIS is how i love you. it embarrasses sometimes, but it holds up for all time. it’s as analog and eternal as Satsumaart’s heart.
And Satsumaart, i’m proud of you. funny how the truly most courageous one was the one you least expected. keep going, girl. you’ve become a point for a conversation. feel the excitement of new thoughts! this is holy. this is knowledge and open mindedness.
you don’t have to agree. none of you.
just try to have open hearts and see yourself. use everything for inspiration. to ignore is to spit on your own potential, and your own miracles and possibilities.
open minds and hearts. that’s all i ask and hope for! and then pass it on.
x
you all, learn from Satsumaart’s courage. because she was HERSELF and left things open, people flock to her. she doesn’t yell. there was no drama with her. she was open and firmly HERSELF. and accepting of discussion here.
and she attracted thinkers and writers to her. it’s not that hard when you click on the switch of an open mind. it’s actually the easy way out! you don’t have to network on purpose, conversations happen naturally. you don’t have to hustle as much, people come to YOU when you are truly, uniquely yourself and courageous.
THIS was the lesson. ignore “liking” me. look at your feelings and see what certain motivations–LIKE COURAGE– net you: ATTRACT READERS/THINKERS/ALLIANCES.
you find your people by screaming out your unique self so that they may find you, and not feel so alone.
x
Wow! Got this post yesterday, clicked, began reading, then abandoned. Wasn’t ready to deal. Came back to my “Marked as Unopened” message and read it in its entirety, and I’m actually energized/challenged by ALL of it- Lisa’s courage to confront the complexity of emotions she felt as a result of this past class, and the ensuing banter/ barrage of emails/FB posts, etc afterward, and now the exchange here. Erika’s class got you to open up, Lisa, and that is a good thing, no matter the method. You’ll look back on the encounter, and take away the lessons, despite the discomfort. In this sense, she was exceptionally effective. The label “teacher” can often be misleading, hence her insistence on being called an artist first. I get it! As such, you are bound to yourself first, not to institutions, their guidelines, their political correctness. NOT! Sometimes as teacher, an artist isn’t truly free to practice his/her art, particularly not when they have to conform to standards that aren’t liberating to that voice. I won’t weigh in on Erika’s methods, because they bear no relevance on the integrity of the lesson. When we tap into our emotions, their layers, their roots, we can “free up”, confront, caress (or slaughter) them more effectively as writers. We give ourselves permission to feel, and write the most beautiful, and sometimes life-altering stories and inspirations. It is then that we are truly authentic. Keep digging…deeper. A little “uneasiness” is a good thing, and I get that you get that. Keep writing, Lisa,and I’ll keep reading. THANK YOU!
good luck to everyone here who’s been in lisa’s house, partaking in the discussion.
i’m wishing everyone well because it was a complete lesson about the cycle of fear and on and on.
i encourage you all to take the gifts given to you by others who inspired you to think and feel, and instead of the urge to kill or silence, consider what Kindness truly means and looks like to you.
especially when you least feel like being kind. that is when you need to remember your humanity, and others’, the most.
best of luck to each of you here with both open and closed hearts.
we all open to ourselves and each other in our own time.
i’m trying to hasten it because we’re killing each other, the earth, and causing needless suffering when life is hard enough as it is.
just dare to care even at work in a place where you’re expected to be a machine. we are all human, and those of us who’re most in touch with our humanity, it is no longer time to scamper away and lick our wounds and cry.
we must learn how to stand up for ourselves and others who can’t.
be your own superhero.
you’ll find that all you need to remember is right there when you imagine earning real and true swagger.
honor, integrity, politeness…but KINDNESS before all. because that’s what honor and integrity is about. the meat of kindness. not just the appearance of kindness.
best wishes and i won’t be returning here to the conversation.
i have a fledgling business to run, and as you can surely imagine, when you don’t suck up, sometimes you have to work 10 times as hard. but i have the ENERGY because i feel excited and in love with the world.
and that is why i will not return to being “small” to make anyone frightened feel “safe.”
it’s a beautiful world. don’t fear your potential so much. don’t fear death. it’ll be here soon enough.
don’t let your youth be wasted while you’re young!
remember adventure! and if you look at people in the eyes long enough without distraction,
you can “read minds” almost, and avoid the psychopaths.
trust me on this. i’ve been running away to NYC since i was 11.
i’d rather be seen as rude than dead or raped.
if anyone should need anything, i’m at my clog (cartoon log).
http://clog.ErikaLopez.com
or on twitter as my name, @erikalopez.
—
thanks, Satsumaart for the open heart and space.
i will always be available to you personally, as your name or any new name, should you need anything as an artist. (just remind me who you are/where i know you from. i meet soooo many people and will remember you! i’m just always hustling to survive!)
it is a small world and we are family and must have each others’ backs and protect each other as we toddle out there with huge open hearts.
–erika lopez
que viva la Erika.
Kent, that is.
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