Life satisfies me

I’ve had a lovely day, and also a lovely (if rather exhausting) week, full of… full of the fullness of experiencing life. I would really like to write a whole lot right now but I’m afraid I need to go to sleep before I can do that, and anyhow I’m not sure I could compose something to adequately describe it all when I’m so tired.

Al has been staying with us, and I’ve gotten to take her out (away from parents for the first time as an adult) and introduce her to yoga, and that has been very full and of-the-moment. We’ve gone to restaurants, gone grocery shopping, gone clothes shopping, had ice cream, had haircuts, exercised, cooked, prepared for our party, played Aveyond, and done just plain nothing — which is something Mommy never permits her to do!  There is nothing quite like seeing things through someone else’s eyes for newness and vitality.

We had our housewarming party today, which meant we spent the afternoon in the company of an odd assortment of good friends. It was an unexpectedly sensuous time, with marigold linen skirt and open décolletage and tart fruit and sweet lemon-gingery cookies and lush fudgy brownies and piquant Mexican food and cool drinks and the breezy deck and basement and our hot stuffy house and eclectic music and warm hugs… and I started the morning with weeding and a ramble, so that probably kept me feeling connected to my senses all day. There is something so perfectly existential about beginning the day with the morning sun and ending it with the evening sunset; I must try to do this more often. When there are friends involved, life is golden.

I finished rereading the second Emily of New Moon book last night and I bookmarked a chapter to write about later. Emily means so much more to me now that I’m making my own art… she’s all for vitality and experiencing life and dedication to art and art practice. The books are teaching me, and I am learning from them, and I feel that it’s improving my artist-self immeasurably. Emily is fiercely protective of not showing her art or her thoughts to just any old eyes, and I’m inspired by this as well. That’s why I’m writing this end-of-week summing-up entry in here, instead of in my public journal. I’m opening up a private space for my inner thinker and creator, and I think this shift signifies a great increase in artistic maturity. When I open all my thoughts to the world, there are whole realms of thought and wonder I neglect because I can’t share them with everyone — so by closing off some of myself to the world, I open more of it to myself.

I had a visual-art idea during our party and I wrote it down. I think in times past I would have just let it go and tried to remember it later (which I wouldn’t have been able to, likely as not), but inspired by Emily, I’m committing myself to making art a priority in my life and self. If I have an idea to serve, the least I can do is jot it down… privately!!

Yesterday in yoga class, Kimber spoke of giving space to our emotions, and today I read on Huy’s (new!) Facebook page that he was feeling melancholy with the end of his time as a school teacher. I wrote him this:

[Regarding] the melancholy… it’s well justified. Hold out your hand to it, embrace it, let it be what it is. Then, when you’re ready, lead it to a room in your mind, salute it, and close the door.

I liked it, and Huy did too, so I think I did right in terms of meeting him emotionally. Sometimes it’s wrong to give this kind of advice because we can’t always know how someone else responds to their emotions, but this morning it felt right: I was remembering what Kimber said, and the high emotions of the Emily book, and my own exhaustion this week, and I wanted to offer it all to Huy, and I think it worked. That is a satisfaction. And I didn’t hack out the words entirely consciously either; they came from my soul and heart as well as from my brain, and that makes it art.

Melissa said something today at our party about women not thinking as linearly as men, and I wanted to respond but I was only half listening and was in another room — so by the time I could have said anything, the moment had passed. But hours later, after everyone had gone, I remembered, and I got up and went to the computer and emailed Melissa about it, in spite of being tired. That is artistic integrity, as well, or perhaps intellectual and interpersonal integrity. Whichever way, I am glad I am being true to it.

I was stressed yesterday, because of all the caretaking and decisionmaking I’ve had to do with Al here. Erik and I talked it out in sincere whispers last night after we’d all gone to bed, and that really helped. I’ve realized that: (1) Erik and I really benefit from earnestly discussing our relationship/life efforts; it’s the opposite of quietly martyring, each to ourselves, (2) I need to learn to delegate (I did that today by asking Dana to pick up some last-minute groceries for me and asking Melissa to bring fruit), and (3) I need to learn the difference between the grand gesture and what’s just enough.

Actually I think I have rather captured what I was feeling and wanted to get down — so, good for me! Now I may sleep!!