antsy, anxious, nervous (pick one)

Grad school letters should be arriving in the next couple of weeks for sure, and I’m getting really antsy about it. Erik stayed over last night and left this morning at eight fifteen, and I’ve been up since then because I had to get up and check my email to see if any schools emailed me. As far as I know no school actually even sends emails, but who could rest knowing such a possibility might exist? Blrgh. I just want to know.

Part of why I’m so anxious is the Mellon fellowship. I’m amazed and grateful that I’m a semifinalist, but I’m worried–that I will get it, and that I won’t. That it would be wonderful to win is obvious. The prize is fabulous and I could certainly use it. But I’m really nervous that I’ll get it, but that I won’t get into one of the schools that I really wanted to go to. What if I only get into one school, but I get the fellowship? Then I’ll have to go to that school. The fellowship can’t be deferred and you can’t apply for it again. So winning it, much as I want to, might be a restriction as much as a liberation. Bleh. But I would like to get it.

And now I’m getting nervous about the fellowship interview. Erik and I went up to Jackie’s this weekend and while we were there I went to J.Crew in Roseville and bought a knee-length black wool trouser skirt and a sunshine-yellow three-quarter-length button-down shirt. I might go to San Francisco sometime in the next two weeks, too, to get a pair of shoes and some tights. I wonder what the weather is like in San Diego at this time of year? Oh yes, they’re flying me to San Diego for the interview. I think I didn’t mention that before.

Last night I had a dream that I went to the interview. Huy was there too. I’m sure that’s because I think of him as my humanities-grad-school-applying buddy. Anyway for the first part of the interview in my dream, they asked me to explain what the phrase “bye bye bye” made me think of. ! I made up something about how it might indicate disregard for a government that suppresses free speech and freedom of expression, or it might also indicate disregard for the needy, like ill and impoverished children. I know. I have crazy dreams, we already figured this out.

I also dreamt that I got a letter back from Columbia, but it was from their school of drama! (Actually, they called it “The School of the Play” in my dream.) It had a long explanation about how many fellowships they could offer, and some other verbiage–in the end I couldn’t even figure out whether they’d offered me admission! Then I realized that although all the other information was correct, they had someone else’s social security number on there. So I thought I’d better call them. There’s some other person out there with my name who is waiting to hear back. I picked up the phone and then realized it was nighttime on a holiday and no one would be there. So I put the phone and the letter down next to my desk, so I’d remember to call them first thing when I woke up next morning.

I just want those letters to get here!

currently: about to take a shower and leave for class–Tuesday is not a fun day for me

[This post was imported on 4/10/14 from my old blog at]