Who cares what they think?:
on becoming internally, not externally, motivated
In creating my own life — a life that is entirely mine and no one else’s — I’ve had to grapple constantly with the question of internal versus external motivation. What do I really think? What do I really want? How is that different from what others want from me? These are difficult and often uncomfortable questions, especially for women, since we’re socialized to please others and maintain our relationships (even above our own desires). Not only are the questions difficult to answer, but the answers often seem — at least initially — to be making things even more complicated. Many intelligent and insightful thinkers have offered books, philosophy, and advice on how to tune out the external and tap into the still wise voice within; you can find some of their guidance in the Resources section. Below are my own findings.
Basic assertions. In 2009, I had a moment of extreme self-belief and clarity, and wrote a list of seven basic affirmations to bolster myself in times of doubt. I get more comfortable with these every day. They are as follows (the original post goes into more detail).
- I don’t need to do things the way anyone else does.
- I don’t need to be like anyone else.
- Size 12 (or any size!) is ****ing gorgeous.
- Just because some can’t see your beauty doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
- You are brilliant, gorgeous, and wonderful. You’re the most amazing you the world has ever seen and will ever see.
- You’re doing what you want to do, and from that there can be no regrets.
- Don’t take anything personally. Don’t make assumptions.
I would add, now, an eighth: You are enough. More on that when we get to the happiness chapter!
Getting comfortable with “imperfection.” I’ve put “imperfection” in quotes because I really believe we are all perfect, in that we don’t need to try to be anyone but who we are. But there are always going to be parts of ourselves we love more, parts of ourselves we’re ashamed of, parts we don’t want to parade in front of others. The first step to becoming internally motivated is to accept ourselves as legitimate architects of our own lives, and the first step to that is to accept that we are okay — that we are enough — even though we are not “perfect.” I have written at length about working through fear of failure (read one post or read a different one), getting over my need to be liked (read original post and comments), admitting confusion and fallibility (read original post and comments), and letting go of that never-satisfied inner critic (read original post).
The only failure is not being true to yourself. Over time, I learned to reframe failure as “not success yet” (read original post). I finally came to recognize that a setback does not mean an intrinsic failure, and that challenges come with innovative territory. It’s not that rejection has stopped hurting. But there are worse things — like regret (read original post). To me now, there is never any failure in trying. The only failure is in not being true to myself, or not following my gut when it tells me to go for something.
Another way of looking at it. Although I had been thinking about this issue for a long time, I first started phrasing it as “internal versus external” after reading Health at Every Size, which considers the question as it relates to hunger and eating. It was a good time to think about internal/external because I had just experienced a big blow-up with my parents! Eventually, my musings led me to create the Life-Art Handbook. (Read original post and comments.)
How does it feel to be deeply attuned to yourself? It feels right. It feels exhilarating and sometimes scary, but that gets more comfortable with time. I described the feeling in this post from 2008.
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