Pandemic journal: Day 45

Monday, April 27, 7:56 AM

Day 45 of voluntary social distancing, Day 42 of county shelter-in-place, Day 39 of statewide shelter-in-place

No theme, this week

I got out of bed at 7:10, but Owl was up before that, full-speed gabbling at E, and of course I couldn’t help but hear. Last night I congratulated myself on actually getting them to bed at a reasonable hour, but I guess morning noise is the price we pay! 

Yesterday we got a handmade card from the preschool director — for E and me, not for Owl — hoping we’re staying well, and it was so sweet I teared up. 

In the late afternoon I started to lose it with Owl’s noise. I’d sat down after making wonton filling and I really had to pee but I wanted to veg out just a little before taking off my apron and going to the bathroom. But then Owl came and sat down on me and it was just too much; moreover, they started tapping their hands/fingers on me and saying, “Mow mow mow mow mow,” and instead of screaming I said, “You can make noise or you can tap on me but not both” — but their “trickster energy” (as R calls it) was high and things devolved from there. Now that I write it out it seems obvious that that would be too much for anyone, especially an HSP! [6/3 note: ALSO, WHEN WILL YOU LEARN? ALWAYS PEE FIRST]

Erik wrapped all of these!

Not long after that, though, I was able to leave the house and go pick up bread. I talked with LM a little while I was there. It wasn’t a long or intimate talk but it was good to see him and get out even if only for a very short time (the whole errand probably took less than half an hour, if even that). And it was a really beautiful day yesterday, clear and sunny but not a bit hot (or cold). LM said when people ask if he’s doing ok he always answers that he’s great, even if that was untrue just 20 minutes ago — because in the moment of interaction with an actual human everything does feel great.

Shared to Facebook, 11 PM:

I need to go to bed. Instead I’m up listening to Icelandic pop and longing for connection while failing to sleep with my actual human partner. I’m reading the news and feeling irritated that Samin Nosrat (whose work I normally love) is on the NYT suggesting we make a lasagna recipe that has sidebars for making your own tomato sauce and noodles, and I can’t even click into the main recipe because of the Cooking paywall but I want to because I still trust her enough to think maybe, if she says I can, I could do this lasagna, one of these days, and dammit now I really want cheesy tomatoey goodness. 

I talked to two lovely friends today, and got texts from another whom I’ve been missing and who doesn’t have much time to talk, and did a whole lot of things around the house including cleaning the bathroom floor on hands and knees, and journaled, and went to dance class. I admired myself and told Erik and Owl I love them. I sent some biggish chunks of money to people and communities that need it more than I do. I also forgot, more than usual, what day of the week it was, and it was very hard to remember. All day I avoided emails (personal and non) because it felt like too much effort. I made fudge yesterday because FB won’t stop showing me ads for cheesecakes and peanut butter fudge and chocolate-covered coconut macaroons because it clearly has discerned exactly what I want to eat when things are weird, even though I’m not sure I’ve ever posted about any of those things. The fudge is not great but I’ve been eating it all day anyway, in smooth, walnutty, coconutty, bite-mark-leaving one-inch chunks. 

I need to GO. TO. BED.

Chocolate fudge with walnuts

Sending loving thoughts to all the stress-bakers!