Pandemic journal: Day 35

Friday, April 17, 7:33 AM

Day 35 of voluntary social distancing, Day 32 of county shelter-in-place, Day 29 of statewide shelter-in-place

Theme of the week: You are here 

A list of the things I want to eat, but can’t cook because of lack of supplies: 

  • Donuts —> I don’t have enough oil
  • Thai food —> I haven’t gone to the stores for makrut lime leaves or cilantro or curry paste or Thai basil
  • Chinese food —> I haven’t craved anything I can make and I haven’t gone to get fresh rice noodles or shrimp or chicken
  • Japanese food —> I need more kombu
  • Pizza —> not enough flour or cheese 
  • Fried fish —> same as donuts, a shame because I have great fish; also I don’t have any more panko
  • Ice cream —> I haven’t had milk and cream or half-and-half and that many eggs all at once, and also I want and don’t have candied ginger, and there isn’t room in our freezer for the bowl
  • Pastry —> I don’t have enough butter
  • Roasted meats of any kind —> we haven’t had much fresh meat and never in those cuts 
  • Indian food —> I finally got ginger, though I don’t have paneer 

Really, though, I can order takeout and if I wanted to actually go to a store I could acquire any of these ingredients, but I’m still trying not to go shopping.

Yesterday I had a video chat with SD where I told her a lot of what’s been on my mind lately, and we talked about other random and delightful things. She also engaged Owl over chat — which no one else has so far managed to do, or seemed to have any interest in doing. And she said that I always seem apologetic for having our conversation be so interrupted, but to her it’s absolutely delightful, even while she’s also able to understand how it’s frustrating for me. Dear S… she holds so much space for me and also for Owl, and I’m more grateful than I even know how to express. She’s the only person in my life right now who can and does offer this particular way of meeting all the pieces of my life. I was even able to step away from the room for a bit to clean up and pee, while she and Owl talked… it’s a tremendous gift. 

I have a lot of stuff scheduled for today… I don’t know if that’s going to feel good or not. 

AS is so dear, too — she said she feels for me, needing space for visual art and not getting it, being subject to the “relentlessness” of a small child (her word) (perfect word). All of this unprompted by anything I said directly.

I was up too late yesterday, because I had dance class in the late afternoon and it helped though I felt sluggish and tight the whole time; I’m really getting practice in recognizing how much the movement needs to be regular; I notice it so much when I’m not moving daily or every other day. Of course this was an extra-long hiatus because I hadn’t done any dance classes since last Thursday even though in between I’d had yoga and a walk. (Which is pretty awesome because before all this, a walk and yoga and dance class would have counted as a LOT in 1 week, whereas now I feel like it’s insufficient. But we’re all moving so much less now, maybe the classes just bring me up to the amount of movement I would have done in a non-pandemic week, just concentrated into bursts. I would say we’ll see what the scale shows at the end of all this but I actually don’t care about the scale. The thing for me is: will I have retained, or gained, muscle tone, flexibility, strength, balance, coordination, proprioception? First level is to not atrophy and the next level is to actually improve on what was there before.) 

12:35 PM 

I forgot to say I dreamed I went to the doctor and my labs came back and something was at 60. 

“60,” E said, “Wow.” 

I said, “I know.” And I don’t know whether 60 was extremely high or extremely low, so I didn’t know whether to be worried! 

Ornamental cherry blossoms

Sending loving thoughts to those supporting their higher-risk family members and neighbors.