Happy Friday, gracious friends, and welcome to the Open Mic! If you’re new here, on Fridays we get together here for some chat. (Sometimes there’s a guest artist instead.) The topic varies from week to week, but everyone is welcome to participate in the comments.
Last night I wrote a little about habitually putting my work after everything else. That’s part of a larger pattern I’ve been noticing lately, which is that I’m all too ready to cede what authority I have over my own life. I think I’m usually pretty mindful, but it’s hard not to slip into old patterns when routines change, and that’s what’s been happening lately. I’ve been — unconsciously — more willing to let others take charge in ways both large and small. Examples: a large surrender of my power = feeling like I can’t do my work because “Erik is depending on me to plan for the trip” (not true; we’re depending on each other, but Erik doesn’t let it impede his work). A small surrender = being deferential toward a waiter whose manner I don’t even particularly like, because “he knows better” (not! how could anyone know better than I, what I like to eat?).
I read this behavior as partly gendered, partly cultural, but I suspect we all are a lot quicker to give up our power than we should be. There are studies about people apparently losing all power of independent thought once an authority figure tells them what to do. It’s also known that we are conditioned to respond to niceness (I first read about this in Robert Cialdini’s excellent book, Influence, recommended to me by Mo) — which explains why I listened to the smiling waiter even when I distrusted him. Obviously we’re all bound to others in ways I won’t untangle here, but so often — even when we have the authority to do what we like — we let others dictate our actions.
What do you think? How and when do you cede your power to others?
satsumabug.com | Lisa Hsia 
I’m not so sure we have full control over what we do anyway. The notion of being yourself and doing only what you want to do is fine when thought of as a utopian maxim but in practice it doesn’t work. Power is a series of give and take options. Sometimes you’ll have the power and sometimes you’ll cede it. I guess the key is that you cede power to others so long as you have the right of veto. When you lose the veto then you’ve lost that last vestage of control and I don’t think that happens often. We are, after all, survivors.
True true, control is always an illusion… but I don’t think it can be helpful to give away our power thoughtlessly, just as a habit (e.g., being deferential to a waiter just because he represents authority and courtesy, or automatically assuming Erik’s work is more important than mine because it’s paid).
In so many situations I haven’t felt I had any power to cede. Giving up completely has been so heavy a weight on me lately because I think it’s the power I have left. But I know it’s still a choice even though having my life as it is taken away and being forced to impose heavily on family feels almost the same. When beligerence is the only thing left, and one knows that will accomplish nothing positive, all that’s really left is the ability to cede the last vestiges of power with some sort of grace, or to go down in the proverbial flames.
I’d like to get back to seeing true choices, areas where I get to decide and can ponder past decisions and change a certain path if I decide to. If that happens, I’ll be able to answer this specific question better.
I hope you’ll find more choices (and kindle more power) in your life soon, Ré. It is hard when it feels like the only choice left is in what kind of attitude to surrender. Loving wishes to you!
ahhhhh i’ll be the first to admit i’m SUCH a control freak i have so much trouble ceding any sort of power/control to anyone when it comes to my life 🙂 but i think what’s more insidious for me is unconsciously ceding power when it comes to my overall life plan (as you know). especially after so many years of being trained that way it’s all too easy for me to succumb and doubt and think “oh well THIS is what i SHOULD do” (“should” being the key word). but i’m getting much better at it! day by day…
It’s true — sometimes (especially for us control freaks) it’s beneficial to let someone else take the reins. 🙂 But yes! I’m thinking exactly what you are, about the insidiousness of ceding guiding power over our own lives to “shoulds.” Hope we’ll both become more aware of when we let that happen. 🙂
I don’t like to admit that I cede power and I usually call it compromising, but I think “cede power” is more accurate. I do it for all sorts of reasons; a quiet life, so as not to make a scene, to avoid confrontation, and if I can be made to feel like I’m selfish if I don’t. They’re all probably the same reason or come from the same place anyway. Unless it’s a battle I really think matters or I’m completely over it, I will cede power to avoid those situations with certain people and certain types of people. As I get older I do it less. I think in my case it has to do with gaining more self-confidence as I get older and realising that if I hold onto my power it isn’t really going to cause a drama. I think holding onto our power can improve our relationships because it says we value ourselves and are worth valuing.
Agreed, Naomi! It’s a good point you bring up about “compromising.” I think we can hang on to our power while compromising, when we’re aware of what we’re doing. The danger is when we compromise because we feel we have no choice (“so-and-so will be so offended if I don’t”). I think I do that a lot — often without even realizing that the outcome is a compromise for me — and I wrote this post partly because I’m trying to become more aware of when it happens.
Interesting…not in that nondescript way that it can be interpreted, but in a thought-provoking way. I tend to cede my power when I realize that someone might be more learned than I am on a given subject, or when their passion is so unreasonably off that I realize there is simply no upside in trying to foster a connection and/or understanding. Not sure what that says about me, but I think I’ve just gotten to the point where I’ve become more unapologetic about my own trajectory on different fronts – politics, social awareness, faith, and more. Blame it on 40!! 🙂 She came in with a bang!
Yay for not apologizing!! That’s one of my recent mantras too. 🙂 And go 40!
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