Cramped contracted withdrawn stunted
Burdened confined
Paralyzed
Cluttered crowded scattered
Buried drowning grasping
Restless distracted
Purposeless pointless
That is how I feel, physically and otherwise, when my life is out of balance. My body aches, especially in my neck, shoulders, back, and hips. My brain runs a hamster wheel of inconsequential details and short-term planning. I don’t sleep well, or I keep myself up late cramming in more words and thoughts and pictures, until I drop off from sheer saturation. It’s not always this unbearable, but the difference is of degree; whenever things are off-kilter, this is how it feels. Cramped contracted withdrawn stunted…
When we first moved into my aunt’s house I could tell I was heading in this direction, so I attempted to steer myself clear. I restarted my morning pages, which helped a little; writing siphons off some of those ceaseless thoughts on my head. Another day I dragged a mat outside and did yoga under the trees in Ayi’s backyard, watching with wonder as three hawks landed in the branches overhead. The next day I took a long shower, and then I turned off my computer and music for a while and walked around the house in quiet.
Later I thought, hmm. I need all these things together.
Reflection. Thinking about what matters. Pulling what’s true from the babel in my mind. Reconnecting to a sense of self that isn’t buffeted about by external factors. Morning pages, thoughtful conversations with friends.
Expansion. Remembering that I deserve to take up space in the world. Stretching into that. Feeling my worth. Playing with the outer reaches of who I am, who I might be. Yoga, stretching, dancing, tending to my appearance, bold action.
Reception. Opening. Making room for the new. Taking in. Quiet, listening. Solitude, outdoor time, meditation, savasana, freedom from electronic devices and other stimuli.
Any one of these things is great, but unless I bring in the others too, I still run the risk of falling into the hamster wheel. I notice that I’ve listed them in order of what’s easiest for me to access; quiet stillness is the hardest thing for me, and I’m always putting it off.
I suspect it’s going to take me a long, long time to remember how to take care of myself in this three-part way, but at least now I know what I need. I’ll have to keep coming back to this as we travel and it throws me off-kilter. Reflect, expand, receive.
satsumabug.com | Lisa Hsia 
I nearly cried when I read this. I hope you are able to access these things, that the world or your automatic (knee jerk?) coping mechanisms don’t get in your way.
I don’t know when the world will ease up on me and let me choose, but I hope I remember how to do it, if that time ever comes.
Oh, Ré! I hope so too — I really really hope the world will ease up on you soon. In my case it’s more about my choosing to let the world dictate my thoughts, choosing not to take time for myself; I can hardly imagine how awful if the world’s demands were much more pressing. I don’t know whether this reflection/expansion/reception style of self-care is my personal ideal or whether it’s for everyone, but whatever style works best for you, I hope you find paths to it through the hubbub.
Mmm, what a thoughtful and timely post. I’m glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself and able to recognize the beginnings of imbalance before things head down in the dumps; not always an easy thing to do.
For the past three weeks, I’ve been committed to taking weekends entirely off (I haven’t done that in the three years since I started my business, believe it or not) and to not working in the evenings when I get back from yoga. I had no IDEA how much stress I was needlessly putting myself under, and I also can’t believe how much more I get done, even with all of this time off, simply because I’m more present when I amworking.
Thanks for another great reminder of the importance of self-care!
Strange how much practice it takes, no? I remember writing a post several years ago, saying that I knew I was making progress because it used to be that when one thing slipped, my whole life got out of control; now, I can keep up in one area while letting things slide in another (e.g., I can eat healthy even if I stop exercising). I guess this post represents the next step on from that: recognizing when things are starting to get muddled, and recognizing that these are familiar patterns.
Big, HUGE congratulations to you for taking weekends and evenings off!!! I do believe it — Erik and I are almost just as bad; in fact, we often get more done on weekends, because we run a lot of errands and such during the week. Wonderful point about being more productive that way. I must remember that. I have noticed that I have a habit of vegging out in front of the computer when I’m tired, and a long time ago I decided “if you’re tired, really rest,” but I have yet to succeed at putting that into action. 😐 I hate naps. I should remember that restorative yoga can be just as good.
Hope you keep up taking time off and caring for yourself! 🙂
It’s good that you’ve learned to recognise the signs your body is giving you. It took me years to accept that I get tired and I when that happens I just can’t get done what I want and instead pushed myself too hard. Now I accept, just like the battery meter on the pc, the level gets low and needs plugging in again. So, I allow myself to plug in and not feel bad about it. I’m looking for a more spiritual journey now that I’ve got my “body-head” sorted. I’m looking forward to finding out where that will go. But, just got to get that battery charged first………….
Well, I’m learning to recognize the signs, but I’m still not acting on that information most of the time. ;b I let my battery get low too. It’s a long lesson to learn to recharge when we need it!!
[…] has her off days too though, and this is what she has decided to do when her life feels out of balance. It’s so weird how often what she says resonates with me! […]