Happy first Friday of March, my dears! Welcome to the second discussion-centered Open Mic. The first one was so much fun, I am looking forward to another weekend filled with your insightful comments and sparkling presence!
Today’s question explores our challenges, so I want to remind you not to beat yourself up. Science says that’s not helpful! Try to approach the question with curiosity and compassion, and remember that everyone has challenges; something that’s easy for you may be someone else’s problem area. Be as gentle and loving with yourself as you would be with a child, or with a dear friend.
Vacuum cleaners suck. The Roomba, from slashgear.com
So, my question: What would you say you are bad at? What do you have so much trouble with, that you will avoid it whenever possible? Maybe you have a long history with it, and the very thought of attempting it makes you groan. Name only one thing — the first thing that comes to mind to finish this sentence: “I really suck at _____.” What happened the last time you tried to do this thing? What would it mean to you to be able to do this thing successfully — or with at least a basic competency?
If you always think of this area in terms of “I suck,” can you shift that mindset? What if you approached it with an attitude of: “This is a difficult thing, and lots of people have trouble with it”? Would you see it differently? Would you act differently?
Go at it! Remember, the questions exist to serve you, so if they’re not doing so, turn them around and run with them however you please! I’ll chime in with my own answers at some point later, but don’t wait for me to get started. 
I especially encourage you to talk to each other (as always, comments are threaded so you can reply to them individually) so we really have a conversation and not just individual posts.
Have fun — and be good to yourself!
The thing I suck at the most is staying on the acceptable side of that imperceptible (at least for me) line between talking to friends and family about what’s happening in my life, and whining. I don’t mean a constant torrent of awfulness, I don’t think I could intentionally be that person if I tried. I care a lot about other people’s feelings. I’m talking about the occasional honest answer to the question, “So, what’s going on with you?” or the occasional need to mention something out loud, so to speak, and hear someone who cares about me say something back. Not fix it, just give it some air before we move on. Experts do say that being heard, does wonders in getting a wound on the road to better, because if it stays inside and hidden, it’s as if it doesn’t deserve to exist. Isn’t that one of the reasons why we are so able to beat ourselves up about our shortcomings? The darkness of thinking that we are supposed to keep anything unpleasant inside? The fear of whining?
I’m very interested in the kind of study and book that Lisa referenced in her introduction to today’s conversation. I visited the pages and have to find some time to take the diagnostic quiz and see if I lie where I think I do on the self compassion scale. I do know that the relationships we build with others are what nourish us the most and contribute to our ability to nurture ourselves. If the choice is between being rich with loving family and friends or being rich with money, it’s the relationships that have the power to lift us up and keep our spirits from fading out while we go through all this life together. The money can only keep us a little safer, dryer and well fed — not happy.
We can gather so much strength from an understanding (not coddling) moment, and I think on some level we all know that this is a primal part of our being. But somewhere along the road to adulthood we learn painful lessons about standing tall, persevering in the face of adversity, and keeping quiet about our feelings lest we be seen as whiners. I don’t know if it’s an American thing or what, but we find the Captain Kirk sort of personality very seductive. Well, I’ve done my share of the Captain Kirk thing, and it still works for me a lot of the time. I’m proud of my strengths, and boggled when I look back on some of the things I’ve been able to accomplish. But it’s tiring. And my knees aren’t what they used to be. Sometimes I just want to be in the “Naked Time” episode of Star Trek and let it all hang out for a time without worrying about how I look — without the fear of rejection. Don’t we all need that just a little bit? As to being more able to see where the demarcation line between these two is, and not cross it, I’m working on it. If I could do that more successfully, I think I would be a better friend.
Ré, is crossing this line something that everyone tells you you do? Or is it something that a few people have mentioned, so you’re afraid you do it to everyone? Maybe it’s harder to tell online, but I don’t see you as a whiner, and I actually love getting honest answers when I ask friends how they’re doing — who’s “fine” all the time anyway? But then, I am a total oversharer, so maybe it just doesn’t bother me because I do it myself. 🙂
I like to hear about other people’s challenges (well, I guess so — since I did ask this question this week!) because I used to think that everyone was doing great and I’m the only one with neuroses. 🙂 Now that I know more about what eats other people at 3 AM, I feel better. But then, you’re right, there is a line between sharing and whining; I guess I’m lucky because I don’t really feel there are people in my life who do too much of the latter.
PS. I took the self-compassion test and got this:
Self-Kindness: high
Self-Judgment: moderate
Common Humanity: low/moderate
Isolation: low/moderate
Mindfulness: moderate
Over-Identification: high
Overall: moderate self-compassion
I went ahead and took the test today and got these:
Self-Kindness: high
Self-Judgement: moderate/high
Common Humanity: high
Isolation: high
Mindfulness: high
Over-Identification: moderate
Overall: high self compassion
I’ve been thinking about your questions. Besides the things that happened when I was a child and I was teased and bullied, I think the most representative story of what’s been happening in my life is this one: when my mother was in the later stage of her illness and I was pretty isolated with her in the house, my finger got infected and turned green so I got someone to sit with her, and went to our (friendly) family doctor. I was actually relieved for the occasion to be outside, and tried to approach the subject of how I was feeling about the severity of my situation. (My mother was often angry at me, I think because I was the one who was there.) In the middle of the appointment, I said something like, “It’s really hard to deal with Mom lately… ” and the doctor got mad and said, “Your mother is sick with cancer for goodness sake! You should do everything you can for her, you’re healthy, you should be understanding!” I said I was sorry, and I stopped trying to talk about it. No one could acknowledge what I was going through until my mother’s final days, when a hospice nurse seemed to really ‘see’ me and firmly got things better in hand.
I’m so glad to hear what you said about not perceiving me as a whiner. I don’t want to talk about my problems most of the time, but I’ve heard from therapists and books and articles that people need to share things with their friends, and not isolate themselves when the tough times come around. Mostly in my past when I attempt that, I’m shut down or backed away from. It has seemed that I can only be absolutely “fine” and supportive with people if I want them to continue to want me in their lives.
I wonder if it’s the ‘artist’s mentality’ ? Could that sensibility be the reason for what you called being a “total over sharer”? And now I’m wondering if I am too, and that’s the crux of it. I haven’t had any artist sort of friends here. Past friend’s eyes have pretty much glazed over when I’ve tried to talk a little bit about this important part of my life. All I know is that all this still deeply affects my perception of acceptance, and I’m working on finding the balance between facing what I may be contributing to the problem and the important business of just being who I am.
I don’t think of other people as whining when they are expressing their feelings. For me the problem is only when they have nothing else to talk about in a long series of conversations, and they don’t talk about their search for solutions. I love getting honest answers, too, when I ask friends how they’re doing.
Agh, that sounds like a really short-sighted remark (and attitude) from your family doctor. I think it’s widely recognized that caretaking is very draining work (I believe that’s what this book is about), and that it’s not necessarily anybody’s fault, but that’s just the way it works.
I have a few dear friends who have called me when their lives have blown up in their faces, and they’ve always apologized profusely for “being such a downer” and “being so sad.” I’ve always told them vehemently that if you’re sad, you’re sad, and it’s not being a downer to reach out to someone who cares about you when you’re past the point of being able to help yourself. IMO this is the difference between being a whiner and being a normal person who can use support! Whiners can help themselves but don’t. But we all need a hand sometimes; we can’t carry everything all alone.
I don’t think my most understanding friends are necessarily artists, but there are definitely things that my artist friends (whose numbers have only grown recently, since VONA and Etsy) get instantly, and other people sometimes have trouble with. I’m so thankful Erik is an artist too (he composes music, besides being a software engineer), otherwise I’m sure he’d despise me for my convoluted approach to work (and my need for breaks and artist dates)!
I think I am bad at appreciating my life in the present. I call it the rear view mirror effect, where everything seems so much better in retrospect. Maybe that’s why I love memoir as a genre although I try not to romanticize my past…
Ultimately, I wish that I could be happy in the now and positive about life in general.
It’s hard to be positive because let’s face it, life as an adult is hard and it doesn’t help that in my job as a public defender, I see people at their worst.
I worry that in 5 years, I will look back on my life at this point and think, what was your problem, why were you so unhappy, life was great and sometimes I have to remind myself that life is great.
I’m very grateful for public defenders, and nurses, and trash collectors, etc. — people who work very hard for a living, and aren’t always appreciated. I can understand why you might not feel so positive sometimes, but you did say that “life is great.” I quite agree with that. Sometimes it really is.
This is common to the human condition. We are always living in thought — either about yesterday or tommorow, which is why we miss so much of the present. Do you meditate? This is a good way to learn to relax, slow down, and stay focused in the NOW.
Juanita, I have trouble with it too! Even though I try to (and think I do) appreciate the moment, I’m still always looking forward: “what next?” I am generally positive (which sometimes I get by being escapist), but I do want to be able to slow down my perspective and just see things as they are instead of what they’ll become in the future.
Ay! Juanita – we suffer from the same illness and I tend to romanticize the past and even the future. Needless to say that has caused disappointments. I try to remind myself that all is have is the present but I really have to work at it.
I suck at finishing projects. I’m a putterer. I love to start new things, get excited about collecting all the materials, etc. But my attention span is short, and I go on to the next lovely and enticing thing at the drop of a hat. So, I have unfinished projects that I always think I will get around to sometime: embroidery from 30 years ago (yes, really), knitting projects in different stages of completion, and all manner of art and craft materials just waiting for inspiration. (I want to be ready for whatever and whenever the mood strikes.) So, even though I am pretty tidy about this excess, it still takes room to store, and that little niggling twinge of guilt greets me each time I open a closet door. Yes, I know I could just get rid of some of it, but that is probably not going to happen. And, no, I’m not a hoarder. I am always purging other things in our house — just not my creative impulses/impulsiveness. Confession over. I feel better already:)
Sherry, this is one of my big issues too! That’s partly why my Tisha sketchbook is so important to me — it’s a project I FINISHED. 🙂
I suck at all things athletic, and always have. In grade school we had to play kickball, but I couldn’t kick, so I lingered at the end of the line and let my classmates go in front of me. In this way I managed to avoid ever having to kick, most of the time. Later, we played softball in PE, and I couldn’t hit (or catch). I still drop most things that are thrown to me, and myself throw with atrocious aim (that is to say, no aim at all). I think it’s a combination of performance anxiety and lack of experience. I have terrible stamina and endurance for running, walking uphill, or anything involving any kind of cardio. And now that I’m not in a regular yoga practice, I even find myself unable to do some of the more basic poses in classes.
I think a lot of this discomfort comes from being distant from my body, even as a (relatively sedentary) kid. I’ve never felt strong or powerful, even compared to other girls my age. I’d love to feel more capable, instead of always feeling like the slowest fattest clumsiest when it comes to any kind of physical activity. Sometimes I wonder if even just a little practice would help, and I think about going outside and getting Erik to throw a ball to me over and over again (and then switching positions, so that I throw to him). But it’s so embarrassing to do this in public, it’s all I can do to just keep walking (even if I huff and puff up the hills), going to classes, and occasionally visiting the climbing gym (which still leaves me shaking each time).
I feel you…I was always the last one to be picked for teams during PE. I still remember clearly one time playing softball when it was my time to bat the guys from the other team saying “Easy out, easy out.” I threw the bat at one of the guys…good for me I sucked and the bat didn’t get him.
I was a tomboy as a kid — could even outrun the boys! As an adult I pretty much suck at the physical stuff too. Too much work:)…and I really don’t like to sweat! The fact that you actually do indoor rock climbing is awesome. And yoga requires a lot of strength. Go with what you are good at/enjoy, and don’t beat yourself up about the things you can’t. Sounds like familiar advise, huh?
Good grief, Helena, now that you mention that, I can totally remember people groaning when they had to pick me for teams too. Luckily most people were nice about it, but occasionally some kids made remarks and what could I do? They were right. ;b Good for you for throwing the bat at the guy. 😉 Wish I’d had that much fire at that age!
Sometimes I feel I suck at life lol! I am actually laughing as I type this. I run around town like a chicken without its head — full time job, full time mom, full time driver for my son, writing classes, cooking, cleaning, taking care of 2 dogs and trying to make a marriage work. It is a lot…but still I feel I don’t do enough and I’m always trying to get more things on my plate. I suck at taking care of myself. It’s like I’ll just wear whatever ’cause I’m just running to drop the kid off at school, or who is going to see my shirt? only my boss, or is the weekend and whatever.
I really need to take better care of myself and give myself credit for the things I do. I am not as sucky as I think I am at writing or being a mom; and I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting some time for myself.
thanks lisa!
Augh, I cannot imagine how you manage to keep all that balanced. 😐 It always drives me crazy to think that any single one of my priorities (writing, drawing, painting, staying healthy, taking care of the home, tending to the people in my life) could be a full-time job!! And I don’t even have kids yet, and my parents are not old enough to need my care, and I’m fortunate enough to have a partner who supports us both. And yes, I totally hear you on “still I feel I don’t do enough and I’m always trying to get more things on my plate.” Yep, that’s me too. Superwoman, that’s why I’m always trying to be… and then hating that I’m doing this to myself!
Give yourself credit for doing your best and doing what you love to do! And give yourself as much time and love and compassion as you can muster. 🙂
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