Tisha made his transition a few hours ago, in our living room, with Erik and me beside him. Yesterday he spent a lot of time on my lap, but by evening he was barely able to walk. I didn’t think he’d make it to morning, but he did, and spent it lying in the living room, unresponsive to everything, just breathing faintly. A little before noon I happened to look toward him and saw him start gasping and trying to get up. I went and helped support him (since he couldn’t stand on his own at this point) as he staggered around in a circle, then lay down on his left side. Erik came in too, and the three of us sat together there on the floor. Before long Tisha’s breathing slowed and he wasn’t gasping anymore. For about an hour we just petted him and watched him breathe; I have no idea whether he was aware of us, or of anything. Near the end he moved his front legs back and forth, and then his left hind foot, then the right one, until he looked like he was walking. His pupils dilated and he kept walking until his last few breaths. It was a surprisingly regular motion, purposeful. I like to think he was walking himself out.
I don’t know how Tisha felt about all this, but just for me, I’m grateful we got to watch him leave gradually. I believe his spirit moved on long before his body did, not that there’s any way of knowing such things. All the same… I miss him already. The worst part was when Erik picked him up and he was all limp. The sobs burst out of me then, big involuntary ones that went through my whole being. Just the way his head hung down — it was so clear this was just a body we were looking at now.
Our other kitty, Lyapa, slept through the whole thing. Erik and I have been very grateful for the unintentional comic relief her sheer obliviousness has provided. And it was a deep comfort, after we returned home from taking Tisha’s body to the vet, to be greeted by a very fat, robust, active, noisy cat who isn’t one bit sad at all. I make fun of her for it, but if she’d been depressed by Tisha’s passing I don’t know what we would have done.
We’ve cleared away and thrown out Tisha’s old meds, his scratcher, the Cone of Shame, his water dishes, and the tissues I strewed over the floor after I cried. We’ve thrown the blankets in the wash and rearranged the living room, and I’ve opened the doors to my studio now that there’s no cancer-cat to contaminate my fabrics. When I said I would start work in the second week of November, after tying up all my loose ends, I didn’t expect “Tisha’s life” to be one of those ends. There’s a huge part of me that is totally relieved, energized, nothing but happy because Tisha’s out of his illness and we can move on. There’s also a big part of me that won’t stop wailing out of that pit in the bottom of my chest. And another part that just wants to sleep for a week. I guess that’s how it goes.
*hugs* .___. He’ll be missed.
Thank you, Jinny. *hugs back* I miss him like crazy already.
i’m glad he got to transition in the comfort of your home surrounded by loved ones.
i saw aulait today for the last time before i go to india and i gave him an extra long hug while thinking about tisha.
sending lots of love your way…
Oh, I’m so glad you got to give him a good hug π Safe travels to India!! When do you get back?
Thank you for the love π I can feel it.
I get back at the end of Thanksgiving weekend π Hopefully the travels themselves will be healthier than I am right now– battling this last minute cold… ugh what horrible timing π Flight leaves in less than 28 hours!! ack!
Oh augh, bring some cold medicine and get lots of rest! Safe safe travels!!
My condolences to you and Erik. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that you treated Tisha with dignity, love, and kindness that very few companions have shown towards their animals. Also, the memories you were able to forge I hope will remind you of the special bond you had with him. HUG.
Thank you so much, my dear friend. You might remember that my screensaver scrolls through all the saved pics on my computer… obviously lots of those are of Tisha, and when I see him napping in the sun or curled up on our fat LA sofa, I have to think, yep, he had a good life. I miss him insanely but we do have a lot of memories to hold on to.
BIG hugs to you, and much love. Hope life is treating you well.
Oh, what a lucky kitty to be surrounded by so much love! I’m sure that on some level he was aware that you were there. And I am so glad that you and Erik have Lyapa to keep you company and ease the loss of Tisha. (When I make my transition I hope I can walk out like Tisha did, only totally aware of the process. I think that is the way it should be.)
Yes, Lyapa is a huge silly comfort to us both. And we’re a comfort to each other, and so are you and everyone who’s been sending so much love to us these past few days. I agree with you on making my own transition. I’d want to go the way Tisha did… assuming the painkillers we gave him helped. π
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Thank you Lisa for writing this post, and letting us into your pain.
I’ve been pretty closed up myself since Grammie passed. I suspect I will eventually open up to write again. hugs to you both.
Take your time with it. The writing will come.
Giant hugs to you too. Miss you!
Oh my gosh, I feel awful that I’ve missed reading your blog at such a crucial time. I’m sending you oodles of belated love and hugs. Of all the beloved pets I’ve had over the years, the passings that have been the most painful were the ones that I missed, so I’m glad that you and Erik were present in dear Tisha’s final moments. I’m sure it was a comfort for him to transition surrounded by loved one.
*one more massive bear hug*
Don’t worry! I know how busy you’ve been. π Thank you for the love and hugs and sympathy. Ooh, I never even thought about not being with Tisha — but actually we were away for Friday night and Saturday before he took his turn for the worse, and when we left on Friday I told him, “Hang on, we’ll be back.” I guess he listened. π It would have been unbelievably awful to come back from my parents’ house and find him gone, and know that he had had to do that alone (or with Lyapa swiping at his face!). Thank you for the additional thing to be grateful for. π
*hugs*
Awww…I really love the idea of Tisha hearing your request and waiting. This might sound horribly dorky, but I was lucky enough to me home when three of my gerbils passed, and each one I was able to hold in my lap in a little blanket in their final hours. My most recent gerbil, Quail, actually grabbed onto my pinky with both paws right before she died, which, while it might have been simply a reflex, it did wonders to soothe my soul before she left, and I can only hope that it did the same for her. π
He always was an unusually considerate cat! I’m glad your gerbils had you to hold them in their final moments π I agree on Quail’s gesture — muscular reflex or not, it’s still a lovely image and thought. Maybe it did help her. Who can say? π
I’m so sorry Tisha could not stay with you longer. The running movement you described happens in guinea pigs at the end of life, too. I believe they are just involuntary muscle contractions. They aren’t in any pain at that point.
He was very lucky to have two people who cared about him, with him, at the very end.
Please allow yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself! It is hard, especially after a long illness.
Marissa, thank you so much for taking the time to comment here. I really appreciate it, and the caring thoughts!
Good to know about the walking. We figured it was just an automatic muscle movement, but it was still kind of a cool thing to see, especially since I’d been afraid he was going to have freaky-looking twitches and spasms instead. I’m really grateful we all had this traumatic milestone happen in a non-traumatic way, at home, all together. It felt natural, just like the sadness feels natural too.
[…] last quarter of 2010 was emotionally difficult, with Tisha’s death, several friends going through crises, and relatives having fights or getting into car accidents. […]
[…] I know for sure that traumatic experiences store themselves deep in my body; the tension created by Tisha’s death still has yet to […]
[…] in my day-to-day existence. I’ll talk to them about food, about exercise, about our cats (just Lyapa now), about what Erik is doing, about my friends — but I will not talk to them about my work or […]