On Thursday I wrote about making time for writing, and in the comments I mentioned I would be trying an experiment on Friday (yesterday): to treat my art-making as a full-time job. I’ve often lamented how I’d get so much more done if only real life didn’t get in the way — so this experiment was a chance to prove it. The plan was to work for 8 hours, taking only half an hour of that time for necessary emails, and excluding half an hour for lunch. I figured that in 8 hours I could do my morning pages, write, post the Open Mic entry I’d written the day before, wash my newest FabMo fabrics, go over several writing-related items on my action list, and maybe even find time for painting and crafting.
So… (I feel as if I’m always saying this) it worked and it didn’t work. I had a hugely productive first 5.5 hours of the day. I got the morning pages, Open Mic, fabric-washing, and 2.5 hours of writing done. I even checked off some of the actions, including starting on a writing residency application and typing up some VONA thoughts I’d written out in a notebook. But after that, my mind and body just crashed. As I stared at my screen, I realized I was so written-out that I was having trouble composing emails; I couldn’t even think of revising a piece I was trying to return to. My wrists throbbed from all the typing, and I had to take a lengthy stretch break, during which I realized there was no way I could do any painting or sewing during the remainder of the day. (Later on my shoulders and upper back also hurt, but I don’t know whether that’s because of the sitting or because I’d been lifting weights the day before.) Well, then what? I matched some fabrics together for making yoga mat totes, and put the new fabrics away, but that was about all I was good for.
I’m not sure what to make of this experiment. Does this mean I’m not capable of working 8-hour days at the work I’ve chosen? As Erik likes to point out, most people’s 8-hour work days usually contain plenty of filler (meetings, red tape, and so forth), so that an actual 8 hours of daily work isn’t really the norm. Or does this mean I just need to break up the work more? I could do a morning of writing and then take a walk after lunch, as Virginia Woolf used to do; maybe that would be enough to reinvigorate me for an afternoon’s exertions. Or perhaps I could endeavor to find work-related activities that don’t tax my hands (if any exist, and I’m not at all sure they do). Or I could just spend the rest of the 8 hours reading, and call that foundation work for writing, so I can let myself off the hook. I shrug at all this.
More worrying is how badly I slept last night. Possibly this isn’t related to the work, but the work didn’t improve the situation; thoughts ran through my head all night like mice on a wheel. Self-portrait… graphic novel… dance class… artist date… visiting friends… I’m apparently awake now but my head is still spinning with too many thoughts. As always, yesterday, real life did intrude on my work, in the form of emails and phone calls from my mom and my sister. My grandpa’s health hasn’t been good this year, and it’s gotten to the point where my mom and aunt are going today to look at cemeteries. My sister and I are going to visit Gong-Gong tomorrow for the first time in a month at least, and I’m not sure what to expect. At this point, it’s impossible to say when we’ll see him again… or whether. I want to assure him I’m going to write our family history, and I want to tell him that he’s always had a place in my heart and in my life, even if after I left childhood we were never easy chums in the same way we once were. But I don’t know how to say this, and I’m afraid I won’t get another chance.
And my sister and I want to do something for our mom, who’s been spending hours each day taking care of her dad. When someone is sick, it seems like the well members of the family are always an afterthought, but that’s not right either; caretaking can be just as exhausting as being ill, even if technically you’re better off. We plan to make dinner for our parents tomorrow night, but that seems like such a little drop in the bucket.
I skipped my dance class this morning (forfeiting payment) because the night just left me so drained. I think I’m going to spend some of today working, too, because rest seems so hard to come by. I might make a painting for my grandpa, if I can think of an appropriate subject.
Lisa, if I could I would give you the biggest hug, and then sit you down with a cup of tea and tell you not to get out of your chair for the rest of the day. You truly have enough going on in your life to make my head spin…..I agree with your husband — most people working an 8 hour day are not going full speed ahead the whole time. And a half hour lunch is not enough time to bolt a sandwich. Take an hour and include a short walk. (I would suggest laying down for a short time, but your mind would probably be working so hard the whole time that it would not be restful.)…..Enjoy your time with your grandfather, and tell him the things you need to tell him. If you don’t you will regret missing the chance. (That is the sweetest picture of you with him, by the way.) And take care of the caretaker. You are right, that is a hard job for your Mom. But I know she wouldn’t want anyone else to do it. Love in action!
Aww, thank you, Sherry — I think I received your hug! π Your whole comment felt like one! Your lunch and rest advice is good. This afternoon I remembered I do have an excellent restorative available to me any afternoon: my reading chair in its sunny spot, and our cat Tisha, who purrs on me whenever I sit there. Impossible to feel anything but relaxed in a cushy chair in a sunbeam with a cat!
I made a painting for my grandpa and I’m very happy with it. You’ll see it on Monday. π
Sometimes Lisa, you just gotta rest. Try not to worry what it “means”, you’re human and you get tired. I have a devil of time resting myself and it’s usually because I feel guilty about it. There’s a lot going on in your life and sometimes you are not going to be able to do everything you think you “should” be doing. We will all still love you the same π
Thanks, Lisa. π I guess there really is no point worrying about not being able to sustain an 8-hour work day, when I got plenty done in 5 or 6!
Isn’t it weird that we feel like rest is something to feel guilty about? So annoying. ;b I feel like it’s a particularly female problem, since most of the women I know all think that “not doing everything” = inadequacy. Erik has no problem taking naps or breaks (not to mention, he also has no food/eating-related guilt whatsoever). And I guess from your blog it seems like it might be tied up in your crapper-ness too, feeling like you have to prove yourself.
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Keep this in mind, too: after an 8-hour work day, people are exhausted. Dinner, playing, TV… they aren’t running around with the full levels of energy. As an artist, you’re trying to maintain a workable energy all day. So breaking things up is totally okay. After all, part of why you chose the artistic life was the flexibility that goes with it, right? Good luck figuring out your balance!
Katie
Thank you, Katie! I appreciate the encouragement. π And yes yes yes on the flexibility. π
[…] wrote on Saturday about my ailing grandpa: how he’s been getting weaker, how much it weighs on me that […]
[…] this week as well. A week ago, I said I needed to spend more time with my writing projects, so I experimented with an 8-hour workday. When I found out I can’t handle such a schedule, you wise readers […]