i really need a good rant, or at least a kicking-screaming tantrum

sorry everyone, i’m feeling a bit stressed and out of it today and i really need to just have a good long rant about all the things that are eating at me. feel free to ignore me. 🙂

disclaimer: these are probably all exaggerations, so mommy, don’t get too concerned. i’m just throwing a tantrum.

what’s wrong with me?! everything’s going wrong, i know that’s a selfish thing to say but it just seems like everything’s weighing down. i don’t look good anymore. my clothes look weird on me. my hair has no shape. i’m getting pimples, for heaven’s sake, which i never get; i have three. my eyes look gross because i haven’t gotten enough sleep, and my skin looks yucky too. my nose is slightly redder than the rest of my face because of sun exposure. i’m tired and spaced out and can’t think properly because of lack of sleep, but even though i got enough sleep last night i’m still tired and don’t know when it will ever end. i can only think clearly at certain times of the day and those times are never when i’m doing work! what i really need is to do pilates but i can’t because i’m too tired and why should i be spending time doing pilates when i have so many other things to do!

i’m failing all my classes. that’s an exaggeration, of course, but sometimes it really just seems like it. my grade is probably really high in french, but that’s not important, what’s important is that i don’t know it as well as i did during the summer and i’m just not into it enough. i don’t know the vocabulary and i haven’t thoroughly dissected the grammar back-to-front like i did in the summer, and it’s making me unhappy. and we have a quiz tomorrow for which i have to study. one of the many things i have to do before tomorrow.

portuguese is not going well at all. i have little time to concentrate on it, and because i’m not putting in the tons of effort a language requires, i can barely even form sentences with correct grammar and vocabulary. i’ve forgotten all the vocabulary that i learned last year and i haven’t bothered to learn new words, and although i know the grammar in theory i don’t bother to use subjunctive etc on my own. clelia assures me i’m doing fine but i don’t think it’s true. i have a quiz tomorrow on the three tenses of the subjunctive, NOT an easy task, and i’m not prepared for it.

english is a complete mess. i don’t want to major in it anymore but i’m going to anyway because i think taking lots of english classes is very useful. but it’s so yucky. there’s so much reading and i have a paper due next friday but i’m going tomorrow to go talk to my gsi about it in office hours so i have to have a paper topic and hopefully an outline by tomorrow but as of now i don’t even know what i want to write about! i got such a bad grade on my last paper, i really have to get a better grade on this one, but i can’t come up with any better topics now than i could then so i really don’t know what to do.

letters and science is okay. i didn’t go to it at all last week but it looks like it will be okay since someone’s going to email me the notes. BUT we have a paper due in two weeks and i haven’t started thinking about it at all. it’s definitely one of my most interesting and least stressful classes, but it’s hard to make myself go to class.

history is not going well either. i love the class and i love professor nylan and my gsi is a great guy, but i think i did pretty badly on the midterm. we get them back today. you’ll hear from me again later probably after i get it back. i’ll rant again, most likely. and we’re reading a fascinating book for that class, daily life in china on the eve of the mongol invasion, but i’m not done with it yet and i have to write a paper on it by monday and i’m supposed to go to erik’s office hours today to talk to him about it (erik sahlin, my gsi) but i don’t have an outline to show him so i need to come up with one by one… and i haven’t done the other reading for this week…

i guess that’s about it. mainly i’m just stressed because i have two quizzes tomorrow and two papers to write essentially this weekend as well as tons of reading to do and tons of reading to catch up on… and then there are all those other little things like having lunch with friends or practicing piano or doing pilates or getting enough sleep that just seem to be pushed aside, that i don’t want to be pushed aside…

and most of all it’s all my fault that all of this is going wrong! if i didn’t waste so much time playing games online i would have more time to do my homework, or to do pilates, or to sleep. and if i did more pilates and slept more i’d feel better and not so spaced out. and if i was caught up on my reading i wouldn’t feel so stressed about the present reading. every semester i tell myself i’m not going to allow myself to get behind but every semester it happens anyway. why is it the tenth week of classes already?! how is it that finals are in a month?! it still feels like the beginning of the semester! i’m still telling myself, okay, i should really start doing this, i should really get in shape, but we’re two-thirds of the way through the semester, how can i still not be with it?! IT’S SO FRUSTRATING! and the most frustrating part of all is… IT’S ALL MY FAULT AND NOW I’M SUFFERING FOR IT!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *clenched fists, kicking and complaining*

*sigh*

thank you for listening.

[note, 4/10/14: Imported from my old blog at satsumabug.livejournal.com.]