In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities…*

Whew, pretty tired. I spent the day rather stressed and feeling overwhelmingly disorganized, though I couldn’t put my finger on why. I got a lot done: I updated my weekly to-do list, uploaded photos to flickr and Facebook, did some kitchen and office tidying, wrote thank-you cards and emails, reorganized my Christmas gift list, planned an artist date for tomorrow, listed a couple more lavender eye pillows and a gift certificate (an idea I got from Mousemarket) — this took rather a long time, as my computer design skills are crap — on Etsy, ran some errands, and did some drawing practice while Erik climbed and slacklined at Bridges… but I felt remarkably worthless even after all of this. Partly I’m PMSing; I recognize that. But I was also experiencing a feeling I can best describe as “troubled by things too insignificant to even name.” Remember about a month ago, when I felt nearly overset by the deep woe of not having time to make sweet potato pie filling? Yeah… pitiful. When such pinpricks as these launch me into long complaint sessions and ennui, that’s when it’s time to take me out, treat me to a nice dinner, and then ask me basic questions like “Why do you feel like a failure?” It’s kind of sad that Erik knows this mood so well by now that he always recognizes when it’s time for this treatment!

So we figured out, while driving around El Cerrito, that I was feeling like a failed shop owner because I’m not raking in tons of sales over the holidays, “like I’m supposed to.” Which is absurd, because I am making as many sales as I want and can handle. And I checked some of my other favorite Etsy sellers, and I’ve made about as many sales as they have, post-Thanksgiving. So my feelings of inadequacy are truly unfounded. I don’t think of myself as particularly a perfectionist, or having a particularly competitive nature, but there’s just something about being a noob at anything that makes me immoderately self-conscious. I guess this goes back to what I’ve written about before in my Livejournal: that having spent so many years of my life being good at everything I did (or, just as accurately: doing only things I was good at), I just cope incredibly badly with being mediocre. It’s a pathetic character quality but an excellent call to action. I need to cultivate humility, and familiarity with the beginner state.

On a more fun note, I met a sixth-grade artist and his fourth-grade brother while I was at Bridges. The sixth grader, Julian, drew in my sketchbook at my request: a flaming heart emblazoned with his brother’s name. It’s weird talking to kids; I’m out of practice for anyone above the age of 5 or so. But it was interesting being at Bridges and wearing my artist hat, so to speak (of course I was really wearing my cat hat). I’d like to do that more often. I was watching Damian do his magical flips on the slackline, and trying to perspective-sketch the lines and the walls around them, and I felt like: “Maybe I can’t stand on the slackline for longer than a couple of seconds, but I can get into the zone my own way.” It’s always gratifying, while being witness to other people’s mad skillz, to remember that one has skills of one’s own. 😉 Maybe this is also a good thing to remember while cultivating comfort with being a beginner!

*Zen saying: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s, there are few.” – Shunryu Suzuki-Roshi