Still recovering…?

Whew, I’m very tired. Just got home from drawing studio. I loved the model, and I can’t tell whether it’s because of her, the spotlight over my easel, or my (very) brief time spent with an anatomy book before the session, but I felt really “on” tonight, drawing, for the first time in a while. At least I did at the beginning. We got to the last pose and I just kind of checked out… did a goofy sketch instead of a serious one, and then sat and stared at it for a little while longer without actually doing anything. Maybe it’s because our class size keeps getting smaller and smaller, and people leave early, so by the end of class — for the past three or four weeks I’d say — there are only about two people left. It really brings the energy level down. Did find out one thing today: Tracy Chapman is good to draw to. Is there anything bad about her music?! I spent at least a month of singing lessons in learning her songs, so they’re even more dear to my heart now. Bless you, Tracy Chapman, for being the poet that you are, and having that amaaaazing voice!

What else did I do today? Sadly, I can’t even think of it off the top of my head. I wrote morning pages, and tidied my work areas, and did some emailing and stuff like that. I updated my creative syllabus (in which I plan out my goals for the week and for a fifteen-week “term” I’ve set for myself). Gosh, is that it? I hate to think so, but it might be. Where did the rest of the time go? Oh, I finished the second two volumes of Hollow Fields, but that was during meals…

I’ve been thinking some more about what I wrote yesterday — about being in a state of transition, where I’m unsure what changes my creative life is going to undergo in the next few weeks or months — and I believe it really is what’s making me so restless this week. Evidence: I spent much of the afternoon going through my “recipes to save” folder, which I have not looked at in months, and cutting out those recipes and taping them into the book I keep for this purpose. Some of these recipes have been in this folder for at least a year. This is the kind of thing that I end up doing whenever I feel unsure about what else I should be doing… and actually it’s not a bad option: I have to get it done anyway, and it gives me a little free brainspace to think about other things. But boy, transition is a weird place to be. I have so many ideas and yet this kind of stymies me; I don’t know what to tackle first; I don’t know what my priorities are anymore. Meh. I didn’t like being a full-time crafter, but at least there is a simplicity there — no need to wonder what to do next, and no time to wonder anyway!

Kato told me tonight at drawing studio that the RAC is having an art and craft fair in December. I briefly considered applying, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. Too many craft fairs too soon. I don’t want to burn out on crafting when my business is still new!

Speaking of the business, I was going to send sexy graphical email newsletters for my shop through MailChimp, but all the test emails I sent ended up in my various spam folders, and I can’t risk that for my recipients. So I think it’s going to be boring old plain text. Sigh.

Oh, no, there is more I did today. I created a new document that lists all my crafting ideas, categorized by how much time each project will take. That will be useful once I can screw my head back down to focus on something again. And I thought about my two blogs, this one and the Livejournal, and tried to figure out why I keep them separate and whether that’s really a useful thing to do. And I decided it is, at least for me; I can’t speak for anyone else who reads either of the journals.

Oh, good grief, I read over what I’ve written in this clock-out and it just sounds as rambling and incoherent as I’ve been feeling today. I am being very not-Zen. Everything I do, I feel like asking, “What next?” So I can draw pretty decently, what next? How am I going to make use of this skill; what am I going to do with it? So I’ve done a craft fair and started a craft business, what next? Do I focus lots of my energy on it, do I work on expanding my inventory and my sales, or do I let it be a hobby? So I write every day now, what next? Should I return to the family history and the prose novel I was working on before I turned my life into a crafting schedule? Should I return to my graphic novel? And so on… the ground shifts beneath my feet, and instead of moving with it, I scrabble: tripping, lurching, making futile attempts to stand up and see where the trail has moved to. Come on, lady! Where is your yoga and meditation practice? Breathe into the change and the moment, and stop worrying about whether you’re lost!