We have been back from Ithaca for four days now, and on each of the last three of those days I have been berating myself for being so tired and feeling so incapable of doing anything. I had meant — foolish optimism — to get some work done while we were in New York, and I meant to get more done while we were in the air and in airports, so by the time we got back I had been frustrated with my own unproductivity for some time, and was looking to our return to get back into things with a vengeance. But I was — am — tired, and so far the transition back to normal life has been very very slow.
Today while doing my morning pages, I thought I would make a list of all the things that have been draining my energy recently, to see if I could figure out some more fixes. I came up with a list of nine items, and in making the list, I realized that I have, as always, been much too harsh on myself. For one thing, I am not just recovering from a five-day trip across the country. I have actually been traveling, in a very real sense, for three weeks, because for each the two weeks preceding the Ithaca trip, I spent about half the week back in San Jose helping out the parents and Al; we also spent the day before Ithaca going to and from San Jose, and I spent the day before that going to and from Marin. So I’ve actually been out of my routine for a much longer time than just the days we spent in New York. This is a load off my mind, because I had been telling myself: “Why are you so tired when the trip was only five days?! That’s not a long time! You should be back into things by now!” The realization that I have actually been living out of a suitcase for almost a month is really eye-opening. That’s not to say I wouldn’t do it the exact same way if I had it to do all over again, but at least now I have more understanding of my own exhaustion.
The other big thing I realized, while making my list, is I’m due to get my period this week. That, too, was a real flashing lightbulb in my head. Every month, there’s one week where I spend the first half of the week moaning and self-flagellating for being sooooo tired and getting sooooo little work done, and then sometime along Wednesday or Thursday I realize: “Oh yeah. This happens every month. I’m about to get my period.” I don’t know why I can’t remember this on a month-to-month basis, but somehow my memory just will not hang on to this; it’s like a brand new thing, every time it happens. So, after realizing that this week is the week, I really can’t beat myself up for my tiredness anymore, not when my experience tells me I’d be feeling this way this week anyway, regardless of traveling.
In my last entry I wrote about our “hot buttons” that make us defensive when other people poke them; in this entry, I’m really fighting not with my tiredness, but with one of my buttons that I push, myself, all the time. I have this problem with thinking I’m lazy and incompetent. My intelligent adult self tells me that actually I have a lot of energy and am capable of getting a whole lot done (and done well), but I have spent more than two decades thinking the opposite, so there’s no danger of this story quitting on me anytime soon. Whenever I have an off-day, whenever my actions don’t live up to my plans, really whenever I spend a single hour doing something I’m “not supposed to be doing,” that voice in my head screams, “YOU’RE LAZY! LOOK AT YOU! NO WONDER YOU CAN’T MAKE ANYTHING OF YOURSELF! YOU’VE JUST BEEN SITTING AROUND ALL DAY! YOU’RE NOT A HARD WORKER, YOU’RE A SLACKER! YOU’RE USELESS!” Yeah. Not nice. The voice is quieter now than it used to be, at least: some years ago — I don’t remember now whether it’s more like five years or more like two — I managed to figure out that this voice is not the voice of truth; since then, I have been doing everything I can to render it less powerful. For one thing, with my constant journaling, I self-account for my time a lot better than I used to, and I’ve seen over and over again that really, stuff just takes a long time to do. Even on days when I get up early and work all day — on anything, from writing to drawing to housework — I don’t get that much done, at least not by my standards. For a long time I thought I was just lazy, but now I know my to-do lists are just too long; there really is only so much I can do in one day. And I work faster than most people, too. But the voice still comes up almost every day, and it comes up strongest when I’m most tired and my defenses are lowest — and that, of course, gives the voice even more guilt and weakness to feed on.
So yeah, writing is one of my weapons. I’m glad I made that list this morning; I’m glad I realized just how justified my tiredness is. I know there are people who deal with the same kind of tiredness every single day, and I’m not saying I’m worthy of pity or anything — just that for me, at least, I’m grateful for this opportunity to learn, yet again, that that “YOU’RE SO LAZY!” voice in my head is not the voice of truth.
satsumabug.com | Lisa Hsia 