In 1890, shortly before his suicide, Vincent Van Gogh wrote to an admiring critic that “it is absolutely certain that I shall never do important things.” Julia Child also wrote, when she was in her early twenties and not long out of college, that she feared she’d never make anything of herself. I like to read self-doubts like these because they remind me that we are not the best judges of our own potential, and that despair is not always justified. I’m not at all comparing myself to these two, both greats in their own spheres, but sometimes I find it very hard to get started on anything because I get so frustrated at how far I have to go before I meet my own standards. Julia Cameron says that acts of creation are leaps of faith. I keep reminding myself of this. Sometimes it helps.
We find out tomorrow about the house. I know I’ve been trying to just trust God/the universe/fate when it comes to this, but I have to admit I’m very nervous just the same. I really, really want to live in this house, and the more I think of it, the more I hope we get it.* I suppose trusting the universe doesn’t mean I can’t get invested in certain outcomes, but rather that I must acknowledge that my foresight is very limited and I have no way of knowing which path will make me happiest in the future.** But still, as I say, I’m nervous. I guess all leaps of faith are difficult, as we are all so skilled at seeing the mundane and so tentative about accepting the unknown with grace.
Leap, and trust that things will work out as they ought… or, as Julia Cameron so vividly puts it, “Leap, and the net will appear.”
*There is at least one other interested party, possibly more.
**In fact, a growing body of research shows that most of us are very poor judges of what will make us happy in the long run.
satsumabug.com | Lisa Hsia 
Doubt…
I am dealing with this very idea right now:( More and more I am doubting whether or not I will be any good at any career and whether any career will make me truly happy. I equate the perfect career to my positive contribution to the world…but sometimes I wonder if that’s too narrow of a view point. Perhaps my contribution to the world is in some other form that has yet to be revealed to me. I guess it’s also the fact that I am not happy at the moment with what I am doing, as I feel I am losing my craft a little since coming back from the break. It’s hard right now…but I am trying to get through it. I know that you are in a transitional period right now, but I truly believe you will be great in whatever you choose to do because of your hard working ethics and passion. I hope all the best for you with your search.
Re: Doubt…
Dearest Huy, your comment resonates very much for me. It sounds like you’re feeling the same way I am. I think it’s especially hard because our culture very much values our career contributions as our primary contribution to the world, though that doesn’t have to be the case. But it’s always so depressing when you’re not happy with what you’re doing. I’m confident that you are very capable — and exceptionally empathetic and caring — at your job and that you’re reaching at least some of your students and making a difference for them. I do hope things will look up for you soon. It must be so hard to get through the school year when you’re having doubts! Thank you as always for your support and good wishes. 🙂