i didn’t sleep very well last night

i had a horrible, horrible nightmare last night. it’s very frightening and insidious, i think, the way my very own brain which usually serves me so well can come up with these horrifying scenarios. the scariest thing about this dream was that it didn’t get better when i woke up–it could have been happening while i was dreaming, it could happen any day. the chances are very slim, but it’s not inconceivable.

you probably are wondering what i dreamt about. i always feel that it would be unlucky to say these things, but let’s just say something bad happened to someone i’m very close to. i’ve had dreams along the same lines before but never about this particular person so it was extra scary. and this one was very realistic. it started out with me doing normal stuff and it was just like a normal day. then all of a sudden this bad thing happened. if this awful thing were to happen in real life, you know that’s probably the way it would happen. and right when it did happen, interestingly, i woke myself up. i’ve never been able to wake myself up from a dream before — while i’m dreaming i never realize that i am — but it was as if some part of my mind just refused to accept that this thing was happening and it jolted me out of the dream.

i spent quite some time after i woke up just shaking and praying that this thing hadn’t happened and that it wouldn’t. it certainly hasn’t and i pray it won’t. after i finally was able to fall back asleep again, my dream continued, that’s another scary thing — i dreamt that it really had happened and that i was back in my life trying to cope with it.

i don’t like nightmares. i don’t like to think about all the many weird implications of dreams. i know for sure that there is not a single part of my unconscious that wants this thing to happen, so i can’t imagine where i got the idea for this dream. none of it was even anything i’ve thought about recently. very bizarre. and i also don’t like to think about the connections between dreams and psychic-ness or ESP. i’ve never had psychic dreams before, but with terrifying nightmares like this one, one really starts to hope that these stories about dreams and psychic visions aren’t true. at least i’ll be able to warn this person, i guess. bleh. i’ve been feeling weird all day from this dream.

to my family and my friends: i love you.

[note, 4/10/14: Imported from my old blog at satsumabug.livejournal.com.]