As I wrote yesterday, I started 2011 feeling down on myself. It’s not like I just woke up on New Year’s hating life; I’d been fretful and anxious for, well, probably months, but I only noticed it during my weeklong vacation that began on Christmas. After the initial family reunion was over, after the festive meals, I had some time to myself, and I discovered I felt ungrounded.
At first, I thought it was because I was away from my computer. Unlike most people my age, I have a desktop, not a laptop, so that “using the computer” always means the same physical spot and setup. So when I’m out — even if I can access most of my usual programs on borrowed machines — things just don’t feel right. But after several days of computerlessness, I realized my unsettled feeling wasn’t just from not having that computer setup, but also from being away from the computer, period. Most of my work doesn’t require computer access, and yet I act as if I’m tied to the thing. I didn’t fully realize that until I got to my parents’ house and felt like I couldn’t do any of the work I’d brought, because I was away from my computer… even though I’d specifically brought things that could be done offline. An addiction indeed!
Moreover, after I realized this, I had another, more unsettling, revelation. Without being on the internet all day long, I had more time to think (specifically, to fret), and what that showed me is that the free-floating, unrooted feeling had nothing to do with my computer; it was in my head. I just didn’t feel tied down. I think this might be the same sensation I experienced right after Tisha’s death, and as I said at that time, it does mean I’m more flexible and receptive. But it’s also a problem, because it’s much too easy to just drift through from day to day, without goals or active projects. Ideally I’d have momentum while maintaining openness and lack of attachment, but I’m not sure how to do that.
Why is it — I seem to be always asking myself this question — so hard for me to focus and work? I recognize now that focus and work are actually two different things; when I focus, I write intelligent journal entries and make helpful lists, but that doesn’t mean I get any actual work done. On the other hand, I can paint for three hours, but if I haven’t figured out how it slots into existing goals, I’m still left feeling scattered and vaguely anxious. A couple of weeks ago I decided the problem was that my action list didn’t reflect my daily life, which is true, but while on vacation I wrote this in my morning pages: “Lately it even feels too hard to focus enough to put the action list together, which I guess means simply that I don’t know what my main goals are, or when I want to finish them, or how to reach them.”
I’ve read that goals need to be SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely), but with a gigantic project like the family history, it’s hard to break the vastness of it down into manageable small goals. And this creates a discouraging cycle, because when I don’t meet my goals, I lose motivation to set more goals.
My trouble with goal-setting falls into these categories:
- My goals are too vague, e.g., “I will get better at watercolor painting.” Goals like this might as well not be made, because they’re so huge they overwhelm me, and without specificity, there’s no way to measure success (what qualifies as “better”?).
- My goals are unrealistic, e.g., “I will finish the family history by the end of 2011.” Not only is this unlikely to happen, it’s still vague. Goals like this one are usually set during a burst of optimism and productivity, but they only leave me depressed when I don’t meet them.
- My goals are not time-bound, e.g., “I will write a first draft of this story” with no deadline. This may be my toughest goal-setting issue, because without bosses, agents, editors, or publishers breathing down my neck, there’s no outside impetus for getting anything done by a certain date. I can set my own deadlines, but my lazy side always whispers, “Come on, let’s play; you know that’s just a fake deadline you invented,” and I listen! My lazy side knows I don’t really care about those deadlines, and it takes advantage of that to make me procrastinate. I need to persuade myself to care about those deadlines so I will honor them.
Goal-setting is an important skill, but goal-meeting gets even more tricky. Tomorrow: work-life balance!
(PS. I haven’t had a chance to respond to them yet, but yesterday’s comments were brilliant and so, so encouraging and loving. Sherry and Ré, you are two amazing friends and I am so grateful to you!)
satsumabug.com | Lisa Hsia 
your comment: “But it’s also a problem, because it’s much too easy to just drift through from day to day, without goals or active projects. Ideally I’d have momentum while maintaining openness and lack of attachment, but I’m not sure how to do that.” <– that describes my life right now. trying to combat all this "drifting."
i'm having the same problems as you with goals and the devil's advocate part of my brain knowing "ehh you just made that deadline up, you can put it off a little longer." i envy people who can set reasonable, timely goals and successfully complete little portions of projects as they go along. i've always been a deadly procrastinator (my mom said she knew my number was up when i did my entire 5th grade state report the night before at 3am) and even at caltech the only time i'd ever REALLY hunker down and get things done was when i had 3 problems sets, a lab and a quiz due THE NEXT DAY and hadn't done anything yet. i work best under pressure with unreasonable deadlines and too much work to possibly complete… and then i pull through with amazing work at the last possible second. but i HATE that. how stressful and physically unhealthy! what a way to live! and yet i've always functioned best under pressure cooker environments. what a horrible revelation!!!
Hehe, the “devil’s advocate” part of my brain is really well exercised. ;b My problem with procrastinating isn’t so much that I function better under pressure (although creative inspiration does often strike harder when I’ve been sitting on a problem for a long time), but that so many of my obligations seem to go away if I procrastinate long enough. ;b Appointments get cancelled, info I meant to pass on becomes less timely, and so forth. Sometimes it’s just random, but more than anything, this must mean that I take on too many not-really-vital obligations!!
Good luck to us both in goal-setting and -meeting this year… and not drifting!!
Hmmm…this is such a tough issue for me as well. I’ve realized that I procrastinate on tasks or goals if I’m not clear as to why I’m aiming for that goal in the first place, or if I do know and that reason doesn’t align with my authentic life. Sometimes, I have something monumental on my goal list, and it’s really scary to realize that not only am I not that interested in achieving that goal, but doing so won’t help me move along the path I truly want to travel. Letting go of those goals can be frightening, because I’ve allowed them to define a part of who I am, but when I let them go, it suddenly becomes clear how much they didn’t fit in with my overall plan–no wonder I kept putting them off!
I suppose the point I’m rambling my way toward is that maybe it would help to examine why you’ve set particular goals and pick apart whether they’re “shoulds” or “wants” and also determine how they impact your perception of yourself, as in, how do you see yourself if you were to reach the goal. Sometimes I’m more addicted to the perception of myself achieving the goal (i.e. aiming to get into med school, back in the day), and it’s not something I even want in my life. Those are good goals to ditch.
Then again, there are the goals that truly do align with what we want but the steps along the way are sometimes less than thrilling. For example, I’ve mentioned my dream to build a cob house. Regardless of how much this goal aligns with my true self and the mere thought of it can send happy shivers down my spine, there are certain tasks that will never be exciting, like reading about plumbing. But, unless we want our pipes to drain into the living room or something, read about it I must. I think at that point, it just becomes a matter of cultivating a spirit of discipline, and starting out slow so as not to get burnt out. So, I’ll commit to reading an hour of plumbing crap every other day until I finish one book, and then I can read something fun before I pick up a book on roofing. I think discipline, like most things, is just a habit, and it takes time to train yourself to operate within its bounds when a situation calls for it.
Whew! Sorry for the novel. You might want to check out Tara Sophia Mohr’s website. She has a free email course on goal setting that I’ve found really helpful. 🙂
OMG, Mo, thank you SO much for the link to Tara Sophia Mohr’s goal setting course. I’m only on Lesson 5 but I just had a major epiphany, which I’ll write about in a later post. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
And I think you bring up a good point about goals we’re passionate about still requiring steps we are not so excited to be doing. That’s important to consider and to plan for, as you say!
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